Never Again
written by:
Lisa

The weeds were the first thing I noticed as I made my way along the paved path to Ben's front door. My gaze followed the twisting lengths as they pushed through the cracks and strangled the roses once tended to by me. It made my stomach drop to see how much he'd let it all go, as if the act of maintaining something that had meant so much to me was more than he could stand.

Almost six months had passed since we'd spoken. A closing door and a couple of boxes filled with the belongings I'd left here had signalled the end of our two year relationship. Even though I'd kept up with the happenings in his life through mutual friends, we hadn't been in contact since.

I missed him.

I released a shuddering breath and tried to push away the thoughts. If I let my mind wander too much I'd lose control of the emotions I'd worked so hard to contain on the drive over here.

My limbs tingled with nervous energy as I stepped onto the porch. I stood in front of the door, smoothing my long brown hair then checking my sundress for any flaws in the yellow fabric. I had to fight down the urge to laugh at myself, knowing he probably wouldn't care what I was wearing, even though this outfit used to be his favourite.

I braced myself and gave a couple of sharp knocks. Bright sunlight parted the shadows on the porch, warming my bare legs while I waited. My heartbeat quickened and I struggled to even out my breaths. Long moments passed until I finally heard footsteps on the wood floor inside.

The door swung open and all the emotion inside me swelled to bursting point. His blue eyes were calm and steady as they settled on me. He didn't look thrilled or surprised to see me standing here.

He wore a pair of old jeans that hung low on his hips, with the button and part of the zipper left open. His chest and feet were bare and his dark hair rumpled. He looked as if he'd just woken and pulled on the nearest piece of clothing. I hadn't considered the timing of my visit. Being Sunday morning I realised now he might still have company from the night before.

"Hayley."

His sleep-roughened voice made me shiver. I crossed my arms over my body, clasping my elbows to keep my fingers from trembling. "Hi." My mouth tried to form a smile but I could only lift one corner.

I remembered lazy weekends with him when neither of us had to get up for work. We'd never officially lived together but I'd stayed over often enough to make myself at home. I used to wake with his arm draped across me or his leg thrown over my hip. Those moments always made me happy and I'd burrow closer just so I could get lost in his warmth. I looked up at him now and realised there was no warmth to take comfort from anymore.

"What do you want?" he asked as his gaze swept over me.

I swallowed and took note of the tight line of his jaw. "I want to talk to you," I said, keeping a close watch on his expression.

"We were done six months ago. You fucked up."

I drew a steadying breath and glanced down at my feet, shifting an errant pebble with the toe of my sandal. "Can I come in?" I asked, meeting his gaze again.

"Why?" He blocked the entrance with his body, one hand holding the door while the other rested against the frame.

My throat thickened with emotion. I hadn't expected him to make this easy on me. The idea that he might turn away completely without even giving me a chance had desperation building inside me. "Five minutes," I said. "Please."

He closed his eyes and tipped his head back, letting out a world weary sigh that would have made me smile at any other time. "Five minutes," he said, "then I'm tossing you out on your ass."

I did manage to smile this time in an effort to lighten the mood. "You've had some practise with that."

He lowered his head and opened his eyes. We stood there looking at each other, me fighting not to break down and beg for his forgiveness, him letting out a harsh breath that made me think he was trying to maintain control. I wanted to touch him, not in a way that would change his mind about me, but because I just needed that physical connection with him again.

His expression tightened and he shook his head. "Don't start that shit with me," he said as he stepped aside to let me pass through.

"What shit?" I slid by him and moved into the hallway, glancing around for signs that he had company. The whole feel of the place gave me the impression he'd been alone.

"All those looks, those things you do. They don't work on me anymore." He closed the door and headed into the living room.

I left my handbag in the corner and kicked off my sandals the way I used to do, so I could feel the wood floor beneath my feet. His words should have kept me at a distance but the need to see this through had me trailing after him.

When I entered the living room, almost everything looked the same as I remembered; the oversized beige couch, the recliner chair he'd often claimed had character even though to me it just looked worn and old. The only addition to the room was a large piece of colourful art that filled the white wall. His sister had been painting the canvas while Ben and I were still together. It made my chest ache to see that life had gone on without me.

"I like what you've done with the garden," I said.

He gave a derisive snort and turned to face me. "I don't care about the roses. They were yours, not mine."

I'd prepared myself for the words; I knew he'd still have more to say even though we'd covered it all more than once. I hadn't prepared myself for the way he might look at me though, as if he couldn't bear to be in the same room with me.

"Ben." My gaze strayed to his chest, to that hard expanse of tanned skin. I wanted to press my cheek there and wrap my arms around him.

"Just tell me what you want."

"I miss—" My voice cracked and I had to clear my throat before I could go on. "I miss you."

He shook his head and let out a humourless laugh. "It's over. You've been gone for months."

"I've been thinking about you constantly. I had to wait to come see you because I didn't want you to get the impression I wasn't taking this seriously. You were so angry with me."

"I proposed to you, Hayley. You freaked out."

"I know." That wasn't the part that made him angry, though. He'd taken me out to dinner, to the restaurant near my apartment where we'd shared our first date. We were celebrating our two year anniversary and everything had been just perfect—right up until the point when he pulled a ring box from his jacket pocket.

I had no idea he was planning on asking me to marry him. He didn't appear nervous; there'd been no quaver in his voice. He was so sure of himself, so confident this was what we both needed that it just ended up having the opposite effect on me.

My reaction had been to toss back a glass of champagne and tell him I needed time to think about it. True to his usual form he hadn't taken it personally. He'd kissed me and told me to come back to his place if I wanted to talk to him, then he'd left me alone to contemplate the idea of becoming his wife.

I didn't want to think about it right then so I downed the rest of my champagne followed closely by a few tequila shots. Unfortunately I'd never been much of a drinker so it only ended up leading to trouble.

"Then you got hammered and gave some random guy a blowjob."

I covered my face with my hands. "I know... I know!" Tears welled in my eyes but I couldn't let him see them. The exact details from the night hadn't stayed with me. I couldn't remember the man's features and I'd never asked for his name. I'd ruined everything good in my life with an act that meant nothing. There'd been no choice but to tell Ben what I'd done even though I knew it would end things between us.

"Explain to me how you're supposed to fix that."

I pulled my hands from my face when I would have preferred to keep hiding. A tear dropped to my cheek. I caught it with my thumb and blotted it on my dress. "I can," I said. "I will. Let me make it up to you."

He shook his head, watching me long enough to have me squirming under the weight of his stare. Just when I'd decided he'd had enough of my company, he scrubbed a hand down his face and blew out a long breath. Our eyes met and I felt an overwhelming urge to touch him. It had just been too long.

He looked me over, his gaze caressing my breasts and lingering on my calves. We'd come to know each other too well for me to not realise he was still attracted to me. Despite wanting more than just his physical desire, seeing it in him caused the smallest flicker of hope inside me. I took a breath and made myself walk toward him, stopping when his eyes narrowed.

My heart thundered as I looked up at him. I knew I wouldn't get another chance to say this if I didn't take it now. "I love you," I said. "I want to be with you again."

"See... that's the thing. It's not about you anymore."

The fact that he didn't even acknowledge the first part of my admission only kicked my desperation up another level. I moistened my lower lip and stared at him. "Tell me what you want then. Just...please keep talking to me."

He inhaled through his nose and slipped his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. His attention dropped to my mouth then flicked back to my eyes. He sighed. "I don't know, Hayley. There's a part of me that wants to throw you out and end this for good, but...there's another part of me that just wants to shove you to your knees and fuck your mouth so I can take back what's mine."

Shock coursed through me. A rush of adrenaline took me by surprise. I pictured myself kneeling before him with his hands tangled in my hair, his thick length gliding across my tongue. I longed to touch him so I could turn those images into reality. "Do it," I whispered. "I want that so much." A shiver caressed my body, hardening my nipples.

"There you go again telling me what you want."

The fragile hold I had on my emotions almost gave way. I took the final step to bring our bodies together, knowing if I remained passive in this whole situation we'd never make any progress.

He kept his hands in his pockets and watched me with a patience that would have unnerved me if I hadn't been so focused on my goal. My palms slid over the chest I'd laid my head on so many times, slipping behind the neck I used to nuzzle and kiss. I wrapped my arms around him, stretching on my toes so I could touch my lips to his jaw. "I'm sorry," I said. "I wish I could take back what I did. I wish I'd never hurt you like that."

He didn't encourage me but he didn't push me away either. I heard the hitch in his breathing, felt the tightening of his muscles against my body. The beginnings of an erection pressed into me.

My head turned and I tucked my face under his chin, trailing my lips over his throat. I'd waited so long for this moment; I just hoped I'd chosen the right time to make a move. "Ben." I kissed the underside of his jaw. "Touch me."

He pulled his hands from his pockets and gripped my shoulders, easing me away from him. "Just...back off for a minute," he said. "I need to think."

He'd put some distance between us but his hands slid to my upper arms and stayed there. His voice had turned low and throaty, his fingers flexing against my skin. His eyes closed as he appeared to be trying to find patience from within. We'd barely fought in the past so I didn't know how to deal with this side of him.

"Do you want me?" I asked, wishing for about the hundredth time that I'd reacted differently to his proposal. "Do you still think about me?"

His arms lowered to his sides and he gave a slight nod of his head.

My heart pounded. "Good thoughts?" I asked, biting my lip to hide a smile of relief.

His eyes opened and I noticed just the barest hint of humour in them. "Sometimes. Mostly the other kind."

"That's...understandable." My fingers interlocked and I squeezed them together to keep from fidgeting. So many words wanted to burst from me I could barely keep them inside. "Ben, I can't even explain how sorry I am or how much I wish I'd acted differently. I just..." I paused as emotion crept up on me again. "I just—"

"Fuck it." He reached out and cupped the back of my head, dragging me against him. I let out a shocked cry as his mouth covered mine. My arms went around him, my palms flattening against his spine as if they had every right to be there. I sank into his warmth, letting him take me along for the ride.

He thrust his tongue into my mouth, his hands clasping either side of my face like he didn't want to let me go. My heart fluttered. I moaned and held him tight, relishing the feel of his body against mine. I could barely believe this was actually happening. His lips took control with an intensity that left me reeling. I needed to gasp for breath but I couldn't make myself break the contact now he had me.

When I'd come here today my hope had been for him to invite me in so we could talk. I hadn't expected it to get to this stage but I guessed the tension between us had just reached a point where it couldn't be ignored. I tried not to think about whether or not he'd want anything to do with me after this was over.

My tongue searched out his and my palms swept over the tense muscles in his back. Ben groaned and turned around, shoving me against the wall. I pulled my mouth free and dragged in a shaky breath, my gaze roaming over him in wonder. "God, I love you," I said, leaning in to kiss him again.

"Stop saying that." His words came out breathlessly as he pushed me away. He gripped the neckline of my sundress and gave a hard tug, popping the row of tiny buttons that ran down the front. I'd never worn a bra underneath this dress so the two sides fell apart to expose my bare breasts. My heart raced; the force of the desire that tore through me took my breath away.

He spent a fleeting moment appreciating the view then slipped the spaghetti straps off my shoulders. The dress fell to my feet, leaving me standing before him in just a pair of white cotton panties. If I'd known I was going to be in this situation I would have worn something sexier, but the look on his face told me he didn't care either way.

He pressed his body closer, pushing me against the wall. His mouth descended and I found myself on the receiving end of a kiss that had me yearning for more. His tongue slid across mine while the rigid length of his erection nudged my belly. Ben wedged a hand between our bodies to grip my breast, his thumb flicking over my hardened nipple.

A moan slipped from me as I fumbled with the zipper on his jeans. I lowered it so I could get my hand inside, whimpering with pleasure when I discovered no underwear and just hard, warm cock. My fingers enveloped his length and he groaned against my mouth. I gave him a couple of slow pumps with my hand, kissing him hard, challenging him to take it further.

He broke the kiss and moved his lips to my throat, his stubble grazing my skin. "Your mouth," he said, "on my cock. Now."

Before I had the chance to react, he pushed my shoulders and urged me to the floor. I could barely contain my excitement as I began moving to my knees.

"Stay on your feet."

Oh, God. My stomach swirled with anticipation. He knew how much I loved this, but I knew he wasn't doing it for me. I crouched in front of him, leaning against the wall. My knees parted, spreading wide to give him room to move.

He pushed his jeans lower and reached inside the opening. I licked my lower lip and tracked every movement, taking in the veins on the back of his hand and his long, tanned fingers. I watched them wrap around his shaft and take hold. He pulled his cock out, sliding his fist along the hard length while he looked down at me. I'd never seen fire like this in his eyes before. It made me want to dip my hand inside my panties just to get some relief.

He stepped into the space I'd created and stared down at me as I parted my lips. He guided his cock toward my mouth and I lapped at the tip with my tongue. The taste of him, the scent of him—it just increased the craving. I licked him again, circling the head. The groan that came from him only urged me on. My tongue darted out to sample the bead of moisture there then I pressed my lips to the tip of his cock in a soft, lingering kiss.

He sighed in response and I opened my mouth so he could slide inside. His silky length glided across my tongue and I closed my eyes as he filled me. I'd wanted him for so long, to finally find myself in this situation had my head spinning.

He pulled back and I opened my eyes to watch as he slipped into my mouth once more. The tense expression on his face had desire flooding me. I reached for him, intending to skim my hands over his thighs, to caress his balls and touch his slick length, but he grabbed my wrists and pushed them away. "No hands, Hayles."

I would have been bothered by the harshness of his tone if he hadn't used his old nickname for me. Tenderness spread through me and I moaned as he thrust into my mouth with a little more force, going deeper, filling me to the point where it stole my breath.

I used my tongue on him each time he withdrew, gasping and looking up at him as he came back for more. Again and again he thrust into me. I savoured his taste, his strength, and at the same time needed more.

My nipples tingled and my pussy ached to be touched. Desperate for relief, I slipped my hand inside my panties and massaged my swollen clit, moaning with pleasure. He kept up his rhythmic strokes, pumping and thrusting while he gazed down at me—then he caught sight of what I was doing and pulled his cock from my mouth.

"Ben?" The word came out as a panting whisper.

He squatted before me, looking me in the eyes as he swept the tendril of hair away that clung to my lip. "Do you want my cock?" he asked.

I nodded. "I need it."

"Behave yourself then." His fingers encircled my wrist and he pulled my hand free from my panties. All I could do was watch as he took my wet fingertip between his lips and gave it one long suck. Mesmerised by the action, by the way his eyes locked with mine, I sighed. He released my finger from the warmth of his mouth and tilted my chin to kiss me. "I said no hands," he said huskily against my lips.

He pushed himself up from the floor and gathered my wrists in his firm grip. He held them above my head in one hand, pressing them against the wall. I snapped from my distracted state and tried to pull free, wanting to go back to pleasuring myself as I pleasured him, but he held tight. As I opened my mouth to protest he filled it with his cock.

I forgot about my objections and took it all in, revelling in the slick heat of him. Ben growled and thrust just hard enough to have me bumping against the wall. His fingers sank into the side of my hair, cupping the back of my head. I licked him as he pulled out, then sighed as he slid back in. God, I needed my hand in my panties again.

He swore under his breath and pushed a little harder. "I'm gonna come soon," he said, his voice sounding throaty and rough. "I haven't slept with anyone since you."

Warmth filled me and I let out a whimper as I gazed up at him. I tugged against his hold in an effort to touch him but he wouldn't let go. He met my eyes and gave me a tormented look. "Have you?"

Tears welled again and I blinked to set them free. I shook my head and sucked him hard, running my tongue over his shaft. My thighs trembled, barely able to keep me upright. His hand clenched around my wrists, his cock pulsed in my mouth. The fingers cupping my head curled into a fist in my hair. He gave a final thrust...deeper...harder... then let out a long groan of release and came with a shudder and a bucking of hips.

My wrists jerked in his hand. His cock throbbed on my tongue as he emptied himself. I moaned and swallowed his cum, closing my eyes to savour it all. My throat worked to swallow again, my eyes drifting open to catch the look of pleasure on his face.

He relaxed and placed his free hand against the wall for a few moments to get his breath back. I let him fall from my mouth and licked the moisture off my lower lip. With shaking limbs and a thumping heart, I stared up at him as he released me from his hold.

He groaned and dragged me roughly from the floor, lifting me from my feet. My arms and legs wrapped around him and he tucked his face in against my throat, squeezing me tightly as he walked in the direction of his bedroom.

I kissed his temple and drew a deep breath to try to keep it together. The notion that he might have forgiven me, or at least wanted to move on from what had happened between us months ago, overwhelmed me.

Ben strode into the bedroom and lowered me to the rumpled sheets where he'd lain earlier. He watched me while he kicked off his jeans and climbed onto the mattress beside me. Once he'd dragged the covers over us he pulled my back against his chest. His knees curled up behind mine and his arms went around me, inviting me into his warmth. My pulse raced even as I sank into the comfort he gave me. I'd never felt so peaceful and aroused at the same time.

He spent long moments skimming his hand over my body and exploring the back of my neck with his lips. We lay quietly and talked for a while, catching up on what we'd missed in each other's lives. The conversation became easier the longer we spoke and eventually I began to feel settled.

I would have been content just staying here with him like this but when he repositioned himself his erection nestled against my lower back. He moved his hand to my breast, kneading my flesh. His thumb brushed my nipple and the desire inside me came back full force.

"Ready again so soon?" I asked.

"Mmm...yeah."

Having his deep voice close to my ear made me shiver. My hips pushed back in invitation, my ass pressing against his erection. Ben's palm slid from my breast to my hip, sweeping further until his fingers slipped between my thighs from behind. He caressed my pussy through the thin cotton of my panties, groaning as he kissed my throat. "You're so wet," he said.

"I know." I let out a deep sigh. His fingertips rubbed my pussy until my body writhed against him. He pushed me to the point where I thought I could come with my panties still on, then he grabbed the elastic waistband and tugged them down my thighs, leaving them bunched around my bent knees.

He guided his cock to my entrance, nudging it between my legs. His lips pressed to my throat, and I held my breath as he slid deep inside me with one smooth thrust. My back bowed at the intrusion and a rush of desire took hold of me. "Oh, my God." I closed my eyes, loving the sensation of fullness as he settled against my ass.

He groaned and trailed his hand over my body. "I've missed you so fucking much," he said. His fingers gripped my hips while he pulled back to plunge inside me again.

A whole host of feelings overcame me right then but the one that overrode them all was just the pure pleasure in the moment. Happiness filled me and I pressed my lips together to keep from saying anything that might ruin the mood.

The way his cock drove into me had me crying out. His thrusts went so deep and his breaths were so harsh that I knew this would be anything but sweet and tender. I clutched the sheets just to steady myself, bucking back against him to show him I wanted everything he had to give me.

He growled and wrapped his hand around my knee, lifting it roughly from one leg of my panties so he could drape it over his thigh. The position left me open and he took advantage by slipping his hand down to tease my pussy. A sigh eased from me and I cupped my breast, squeezing my firm flesh.

Ben's fingers massaged my clit, rubbing in firm circles while his cock plunged in and out of me. His quick thrusts had my breast jolting in my palm. His lips pressed to the curve between my shoulder and neck. The feel of his cock sliding into my wetness, his hair-coarsened thighs shoving against me, pushed me closer to coming.

I teased my nipple, resting my free hand on top of his as he rubbed my pussy. His mouth moved to my ear, his lips caressing the lobe. "Tell me again," he said in a husky tone.

I knew what he wanted without needing it explained. Butterflies filled my stomach and my words came out in a rushed whisper. "I love you," I said.

He groaned and drove inside me harder, faster, his breaths coming quickly. "Say it again."

I let out a sob of pleasure as his fingers worked my pussy. "I love you."

Ben thrust hard, once, twice, straining against me. He plastered his body to mine from chest to hips and exploded inside me.

I tilted my head back and gasped for breath, then everything felt like it happened at once. He didn't spend any time recovering. I barely even realised he hadn't let me finish before he'd flipped me onto my back and dragged my panties off my ankle. He tossed them aside and grabbed my wrists, placing them above my head where he'd held them earlier.

My legs spread and my hips lifted; I begged him with my eyes to give me what I needed. He leaned over me, his expression intense as he kissed my mouth. "Never again," he said softly. "If you're with me there's no one else." His hand slipped between my thighs, his fingers gently massaging my cum-slicked pussy. I circled my hips, raising them in response to his touch. He dipped his fingers inside me then used the wet tips to work my clit.

I nodded in agreement, unable to tear my gaze from his. My legs writhed and I thrust my breasts out to meet his waiting lips. He kissed one aching nipple, tonguing and drawing the tightened nub into his mouth before releasing it and moving across to the other. All the while his teasing fingers played at my pussy, bringing me closer and closer to climax.

He pulled back and met my eyes. The desire built inside me until my mouth dropped open and my stomach tensed. The connection we shared, the way he touched me, made me come apart in his hands. Tingles spread beneath his fingers and raced through my limbs. I let out a cry of release, my hips bucking against his hand as I came.

It took me a few moments to settle down from the high. Ben released my wrists and kissed my panting mouth. He collapsed beside me while our breathing quietened and our racing hearts calmed.

When his arm wrapped around me, all the worries that had plagued me before this moment ended. Rather than making me leave or resuming his indifferent attitude from earlier, he pulled me close and nuzzled my throat as his breathing deepened.

I shifted to a more comfortable position and stroked his arm, happy in the knowledge that I'd be stuck here for a while.