I Tried to be on Top
written by:
Kristen S

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my continuing sexual saga. It is dark. Very Dark. It is as dark for me as it has been in years. At least this is my darkest confession yet.

If you do not like it or want it dark, don't read it.

I feel bad when someone writes me to tell me how offended they were. It hurts. I mean, I like pain - but I don't want to hurt somebody else - unwillingly.

In some ways, it would help a great deal to at least read my last few entries to really understand where I am coming from - but it is not necessary. I don't want to tell you what to do. -- please note it took a long time for me to get to the place I am as this story begins.

I Tried to be on Top. Confessions of a Slut Chapter 5 By Kristen Shigh

I have not left the motel room yet. Everything got turned around so fast.

I am alone.

My pussy is the hole from which all of my happiness drips. I have tried everything to plug that hole - and keep it plugged. Everything. Only when it is plugged, am I filled with elation - until I am so full that it trickles from my eyes with tears of sadness. Every dildo I buy is larger than the last, still, joy drips down my aching thighs leaving me empty. I am empty. A hole. A slut. I hate myself. I seem to only enjoy being fucked. Sometimes fucking - but mainly being fucked.

Fucked hard.

I am fucking myself as I write this. I am crying. I feel nothing. I want to go deeper. I will go deeper.

I fuck myself a lot. I do worse. I have gotten drunk and hurt myself on purpose. I am a cutter. You should know that. I hate myself. Sometimes I need it to go deeper. Sometimes I want to make a new hole. I am a hole. A nasty hole. A whore. I hate myself. I was asked cut another for the sake of her joy. I enjoyed the comradery - but I think in the end I am a masochist - not a sadist. I humiliated her before hand. Badly. I fear too much. I thought she wanted it. I know she wanted it. She has not returned my phone calls. Now, nothing fills my hole. I want to cut myself.

I have fucked strangers and ...friends. I have never had a boyfriend. I have taken lovers and discarded them. I have been discarded. I am discarded. I am disgusting. Filthy. I am a whore. I hate myself.

I have exposed myself in public. More often than I should admit. The first time I enjoyed the most. I wore no underwear and a short skirt to a fetish shoe store just so the salesman could see up my skirt as he helped me on with a pair of boots. I was 18. But that is a different story. One of many. One I have not told you yet.

I have rented motel rooms and masturbated in front of the open window. I was fucked by a Mexican maintenance worker who had watched me do it. I came. As did he. I made him leave afterwards by crying. I masturbated again after he left. I cut myself.

I am in a motel room now. Alone. I want to expose myself. I want to hurt myself. I may just open the window. I am lucky in that I am reasonably sexy, if not a little androgynous. I wonder what it is like for people who are not imeadiatly attractive.

I want to show a stranger my pussy - someone who is not immediately attractive. I like to masturbate while I drive, or other places I might get caught. I have been caught, several times. I think I told you about that.

I am sick. I want to get laid. Really laid. I have fucked men and now women. I have dressed as a boy and managed to pick up a fat chick. She gave me a "blowjob" in the parking lot of a crowded shopping mall. I had taught myself to ejaculate and I had to try it with someone other than myself. That is how I went about it. I can't help it. I am sick. I can't stop myself. I am a whore. I tried to be on top - I did. Deep down- I am just a slut.

I am very sick. All I ever think about is getting laid. Really laid. I dressed in the sluitiest - whoriest outfit my little noggin could concoct and walked into an alchie bar. I am likely the sexiest woman to ever walk in that bar. I was fucked hard that night by men who needed it badly. I felt whole. Full. Only when my pussy is dripping does sadness not drip down my thigh. Like when several different strangers did me in the motel room I had rented. FUCK. I want to do it again. I think I told you that story.

I have been tied up and tied others up. More often the former. I have been handcuffed, naked and locked in a room for over forty eight hours and forced to eat my food from a plate on the floor while handcuffed behind my back. It was messy. I am messy. Nasty. That was the shoe salesman. He was mean, and hot and liked it dirty. I wanted to be his slave. He made me beg him to be his slave. He stripped me naked and inspected me. Prodded me. Hurt me. Humiliated me. I wanted him. He handcuffed me and locked me in his spare room with a video camera for two days and then rejected me afterwards. I cried. I was forced to clean my own shit and piss from his floor before I left. I could not hold it. There was no bathroom. Still he rejected me. I have never been so horny. He never fucked me, or even let me suck his cock. I was just naked, in a room with a video camera. I have no idea who was watching. I masturbated on the way home. Somewhere out there -there is a video tape of me at 18 pissing on the floor. But as I said, that is another story. One that shaped the years to come. I will tell you sometime.

If you have read some of my other entries you know that I recently took it in the ass and was fed my own shit on the end of the man's cock. It made me throw up.

I came. The sadness left me for a few fleeting moments.

I want to do it again. Only, I can't. Because... now, I want it. I can't be forced to do something I want to do. Power.

I did not know that until Julia. I don't want to cut myself again. I can think of little else. I want Julia. I want to be a toilet whore. I want to be her toilet whore. It is what I am good for. Nothing else. I am a whore. A shit eating whore. Julia was right. She pissed on me and left. It was wholly humiliating. It was astonishing. It was surrender. Total surrender. Like suicide with a sexual afterlife.

Only, there was no sex afterwards. She declared her high safe word and suddenly left. I cried. I am still crying. Rejected. Horny. I laid in the pool of piss she left me and masturbated. I want to be pissed on again. I pissed on myself fantasizing about it. I am a useless except as a whore. I want to be Julia's whore. I want to be her toilet slut. I want to hold her boyfriends' cocks while they piss. I want them to piss on me. That is what I deserve. Piss on me.

I have not left the motel room yet. Everything got turned around so fast.

I had the best and hottest intentions when the day started out. You would have to read my last few entries to understand my obsession with female ejaculation and power. Until then I will just tell you that I met and managed to seduce a woman while wearing a strap on dildo. She sucked me off in the daytime crowded parking lot of a shopping mall. I came like a boy.

She was shocked, and humiliated to find out I was not a boy. Humiliation seemed to turn her on. Turning her on turned me on. I guess I just don't make a very good top. I did not know that then.

One of the many peculiar things about the way boys cum is the desire to either go immediately to sleep - or immediately get up and do something. Change the subject. The rush is over. No cuddling like when your orgasm comes from a fire lightning in your belly. I lit a cigarette, rolled down the window and put ‘er in reverse. I was ready to go. Julia cowered against the door. She was crying. and shivering. Humiliated that she had been fooled. There is something about a naked fat chick crying and shivering in your car that will give certain gals a ‘hard on.' I had to stop and pull back into our semi-secluded parking space. I caressed the three thick scars on her shoulder that had bonded us in the first place. I rubbed my fingertips across them like a washboard.

She whined.

I was getting ‘hard.' Again. A sense of hot blooded cruelty overcame me.

Power.

My finger tips traced the nape of her neck and through her oily red hair. She was sobbing, still humiliated at how much she had revealed already - and then find out my cock was rubber. My fingers loomed through the tangled strands of grease as my hands clinched in a fist of rage wrenching her head around to mine by the roots. She erupted in erotic espousal. I kissed her. She kissed back. Desperately. Hungry. Ravenous. My hard ‘cock' demanded I throw her into the back seat and nail her. It would have to wait.

I would fuck her. In time.

Keeping a firm grasp on her hair, to let her know I was in charge, my other hand explored her fleshy body. Naked. Fat. Pathetic. Hungry. Her large nipples were erect between my thumb and fore finger. I pinched - the way I like mine consumed. She hummed with pleasure. And pain. I sucked my tongue from inside her wet cavity and bit hard on her lip. She tried pulling away as her moan blossomed into a full fledged yelp. But as she yelped, her hand grasped mine and pulled it to her open thighs. She was soaking. Her thighs were spread inviting me in to her palace as a muffled shriek passed over her occupied mouth.

I pulled her face away from mine. Her thick lips scraped past my teeth and her girlish squeal subsided. She was sobbing.

"You like pain, don't you?" I still had her horrible head of hair in my grasp. She looked at me doe eyed, snot running from her nose and tears on her fat cheeks. As best she could with her head held so firmly in place, our eyes locked, my finger gently caressing her wet fat trigger, she managed to nod ‘yes.'

"Yes? Tell me yes."

"Yes," she stuttered.

"Yes what?

"Yes, I... I.. like pain.. a lot." She stuttered, and the blurted out, "too much... I am a pain slut. I can't help it, I can't stop myself."

I was falling in love. My grip on her hair receded. Her fat clit was at full attention. I gave her soft sweet kisses along her neck as my curious hands explored her abyss. I really have almost no experience with women, but I could not let on how curious I was. Power. She took long deep breaths as my fingers surveyed folds of saturated skin. My thin lips found their way across her shoulders to the thick scars that ran along her arm. I gave them the tiniest of love bites - each one transformed her long deep breath into tiny hiccup like pants encouraging my words.

"I want you to remember this: Banana. Say it."

"Banana"

"It is yellow. Caution. Like code yellow. Banana. If you say that, I will stop what I am doing and allow you to speak. You may warn me of what is wrong. Then we will continue. Do you understand?"

Her mouth was agape, her legs spread, enjoying the soft attention of my investigating fingers. "Yes, I understand," she mumbled between long cool breaths. She had done this before. It was clear she was no stranger to safe words. The more I discovered about this woman - or that I discovered with this woman - the more she turned me on.

"Orange, it is, well... orange. Closer to danger than yellow. Say it."

"Orange."

"If you say orange, we will stop what we are doing and do something else entirely, but we will continue to have sex of some kind - just not that. Do you understand?"

Her thighs twitched Her breaths became shorter. "Yes, Yes, I understand."

"Pomegranate. Red. Danger. STOP! Like a stop sign. Say it."

"Pomegranate."

If you say Pomegranate. We will stop all together. We will not continue. It is over. Go home. Attend to your wounds."

"Oh, Jesus I am going to cum."

I snapped my hand away from her waterfall. "NO, you will cum when and IF I tell you to. Do you understand the rules?"

"Yes, Yes Yes, Please fuck me."

"Do you want to be my whore?"

"Yes, Yes Yes, Please fuck me."

"You may also say, Blue berry - blue the opposite of orange. It is OK. You like what you are getting, You want more. Do you understand?"

Yes, Yes, Blueberry Blueberry Blueberry. Please fuck me. I want to serve you. I want to be your whore."

Jesus Christ this woman was good! We had to get the fuck outta there. I had to get her out of this car and in to the room I had rented. I did want to fuck her. Badly. I put it in reverse and wound through the parking lot. My other hand circumnavigated her bulbous thighs and back to her aching snatch. Naked, she proudly spread them wide and moaned as the tips of my finger dipped deep inside and back to her clit and back inside. She moaned continuously. Until I could take it no more. My ‘cock' was beyond hard.

A nasty cruel quality arose with my ‘erection.' I couldn't help it. Her clit was so ripe. I pinched it. Hard. She squealed loudly and pounded the arm rest with the flat of her hand.

"You said you liked pain. Can you take that?"

"Blueberry!"

I did it again, harder. She let out a full throttled scream! Oh fuck, I wanted to her. I wanted to be her! "Am I going to have to gag you, bitch?"

This time I didn't stop. I pinched. I yanked. I pulled harder. I twisted. She stomped her feet on the floor board and gripped the arm rest. Her head thrown back full tilt against the head rest as she screamed. Snot dripped from her nose, down her fat tits and belly. Fucking sexy! She drooled as she cried out. I accelerated through traffic, naked fat chick in the passenger seat screaming her head off while I fucking totally tortured her twat.

She took it. I was so fucking hot! I curled my finger tips in so the nails pinched in. That had to fucking hurt! I know. I have done it to myself, but not continually like this. Holy fuck. I couldn't so much as touch myself afterwards for a week after doing for just a second or two. It is all I thought of as I healed. I knew far too well what and how she wanted it. I wanted to be her. It is me who is the whore. I am a slut. A pain slut. But...

But...she was taking it far better than I ever could. I admired her so. I was turned on - in awe of her. I am a fucking sub! I wanted to be her sub. FUCK! I had to get out of my head. I am on top here!

I pinched as hard as I fucking could! That HAD to hurt. She moaned with delight as much as pain. She cried. She looked like she was going to cum.

"Banana Banana Banana!" She finally cried out as we entered the motel parking lot.

I stopped pinching for a moment to hear her. "Yes?" I was obligated to ask.

"You are so bad! That is so good!" she sobbed, "but I want you to fuck me and if you keep doing that I will be so sore we can't do it. And besides, you told me I could not cum and I was a millisecond from doing just that. I want you to fuck me. I know you want to - and I want to give you - I want to be able to give you - what you want. Fuck me with that strap on. I have never been fucked like that. Have you? I know you want it. I want it. My pussy is so sore already. After you fuck me you can hurt me all you want. I want you to. Make me remember you for weeks. Hurt me so I can think about you all the time. I'll take all the pain you can give. I will absorb it. Take it from you.

"I'll be your fuck toy all night. I will let you take all your aggressions out on my body - on my pussy if you want. Just fuck me!" Her voice got calmer and more erotic and seductive with every sentence. "Then, I will be your whipping post - if you want. Your boxing bag. Your pin cushion. ... your cutting board."

I parked the car and got out with out a word. She hit a nerve. She knew it. I was dizzy. I knew what was going to happen tonight. I may have been as scared as she was. Holy fuck, what had I gotten myself into?

She fumbled with her clothing to try and cover herself somehow before getting out of the car. I snapped open the passenger door and grabbed all of her clothes, walked in the motel room, threw them on the floor, shut the door and watched from the window as she looked around, naked inside the car. She waited for no one to be around and then dashed to the door. She knocked loudly, but I just could not help myself. I looked through the peep hole as she pleaded.

"Please let me in. I will be good. I promise."

"Do you want to be my little pain slut?"

"Yes."

"Are you a whore?"

"Yes,"

"Say it loudly, tell me how badly you want it."

"I want you to fuck me!" She shouted.

"Again."

"I want you to fuck me!"

Neighbors opened their doors to see what was happening. Fuck, I was hot!

"Why?"

"Please let me in. Because, I am a whore! I am a whore! I am your whore."

A car was pulling in the parking lot. She pounded on the door. "Please let me in, I want you to make love to me. Please."

"What do you want?" I made her answer as a few people stared.

"I want you to fuck me. Use me. Let my body amuse you. I want to be your whore." Car headlights caught her as she pounded. She was alone, naked, outdoors in a spotlight yelling through a closed door. "I am a whore. I am a whore." Jesus Fucking Christ this woman turned me on.

"Did you lock my car door?"

"umm... No, I don't think so."

"Well go back into the parking lot and lock it." The car parked a few spaces from mine and two men were getting out - it was unbelievably fun. Danger. Power. She had to walk past them - she tried to cover herself with her hands and arms. She crouched as she walked. I was so fucking hot! The men were laughing and pointing as she pounded on the door.

"Please, let me in. I want to be your bitch. Please" She pleaded.

"Come on over here - You can be my bitch." One of them cat called.

I figured I had better - so I opened the door and let her in. She hugged me as if she were hanging on for life. Sobbing. Aroused.

I led her a few feet to the bed where she landed back first with a thud.

I yanked at my belt, unbuckled and whipped my cock out like a stud. I didn't even feel like taking my pants off. I just hoped on board and began nailin' that bitch. SHW WAS SO FUCKING WET! The bed shook the walls like thunder. Fuck! I was fucking a woman! I guess in a way I was losing my virginity but, WTF! I was going to Cum! Just like that.

What a fucking light weight I am. I was embarrassed. I tried to think of something else but I could not stop myself from pounding into her. My butt cheeks tightened. I felt a gasp formulate in my stomach - it burst through my body in a massive exhale and in a flash of white light I exploded on top of her. I felt my pussy's muffled cough into the harness. Just like that, I came. I collapsed into her arms, She stroked my hair - but I was having none of that. I rolled over and lit a cigarette.

I totally went all internal. "Was I good?" Jesus, I have never thought that after sex - or not quite like that, I mean - Jesus you KNOW when you get a guy off. I had to get out of my head - I went over to the little mini fridge and got myself a beer.

My wet, hot cock felt good against my thigh.

She was glowing. Like a little girl. Smiling, beaming. I so admired her. I wanted to crawl in bed with her and snuggle, give her soft kisses. But I could not show weakness. I was so confused. Sometimes confusion is the most erotic sensation of all.

"wanna beer?" I asked.

"Ummm... yea, Yes, Please."

I tossed her one underhanded. She sat up in the bed. Radiant. Happy. Satisfied. I was jealous.

"You came didn't you?"

She started to giggle. She is so hot!

I sat on the edge of the bed, finishing my cigarette. I forced a malicious trace to trickle through my veins. I knew what I had to do. "Didn't I tell you you could cum only when I told you to?"

Her eyes rolled back in her head - as if she was tapping into the oasis she erected in her mind. She took deep breaths. Light shone from every pour. She was anything but dark. I could see her fragility. The numerous scars about her fat body stood out like caffeine stains on a broken tea pot that had been somehow glued back together.

I caressed her hair. She kissed my hand.

"How could you tell? And you! How do you do that? She asked caressing the firm protrusion that ran along my thigh."

"I have never done that," I had to admit. "You took my male virginity."

"I am honored. You too - I mean I guess we are both in sort of uncharted waters here. I mean I have never, I mean with a gir - with a - well you know what I mean."

"I kissed her softly on the lips. "I know, sweetie, I know." My hands explored her body. Inquisitive. soft. My mouth followed in their wake. I began kissing her whole body. I was hot. Confused. I wanted to go down on her. The only other time I have been down on a woman was when some idiot dom shared me with his lover. In short - I was forced to. This was different. I wanted to. Both are hot. Both are very very different.

She caressed my shoulders as I went lower. Her thighs parted submerging my willowy frame between them. She was wet. Very wet. As was I. She stroked my hair as my lips parted and I began to sample her delicate folds. She was sweet and awfully wet. I liked going down on her. She vibrated with joy as the whole of my mouth wound its way around the whole of her sweet sweet snatch. Her clit was thick and exposed. I paid it close attention sucking it whole, like a cock. Her fingers ran through my hair as her hips swayed with my rhythm. Deep breaths.

Her body hummed like voltage. Electricity generated from the gentile gyrations of her hips and arced across our bare connection throwing sparks with each intermittent contact of tongue to clit. Girls!

Her coos elongated from indecipherable monosyllables to tangible words and sentences.

"i-eh-gun-a-ca"

"I want you to cum." I caved between tongue caresses.

Her hips bucked to meet my tongue. She held my head in place in essence fucking my face. "Who is in charge here?" I thought to myself. I was being drawn to it. Surrendering to it. FUCK! I have to get out of my head. I loved licking her! I wanted my tongue to be her personal dildo.

She had another series of scars along her thighs. Not nearly as organized and deliberate as her arms. All that pain this poor woman has taken, I wanted to give her pleasure. I knew what she had done - and had been done to her. She had taken it way farther than I ever could. I was in awe. I was falling in love.

..."You remember what I told you?" She managed.

I did, but I did not want to.

"DO IT! Please. I am going to cum thinking about it. DO IT! Hurt me, BITE ME! Something! I need it."

Her clit was so ripe I didn't want to stop licking it. "Like you promised, come on you fucking whore. do it DO IT!"

FUCK, name calling turns me on!

Her toes curled and the balls of her feet planted themselves into the covers. She released my head and grasped the night stand bracing for impact. Her hips thrashed wildly. "Let me take pain for you. Let me take your pain! Let me soak it up for you, take it from you. Make it mine."

I absorbed the fat fleshy mass between my teeth. She shivered in anticipation. I had once begged a boy to bite me. I'm sure I let out a blood curdling scream. He apologized profusely and held me. I cried. He didn't do it again.

Putz.

Couldn't he see what the fuck I needed? I wanted to fucking scream. I KNOW what the fuck she wanted. It's what I wanted!

She squirmed in the loose grip of my teeth. I squeezed tighter, she whimpered. I knew. I wish I didn't know. But I did. I had to do it. I owed it to her. FUCK! I wanted her to throw me down and make me scream. But knowing what she wanted - exactly what she wanted - was power and THAT was turning me on.

So, suddenly, with no warning, I did it. I bit hard. Real hard. I had to. She lunged forward like when you try to start your car and forget to push the clutch in. She squealed a similar squeal. Her sweet clit slipped from my grip. And she lay still hyperventilating, her legs spread wide petitioning for more.

I lapped at her swelling hole like a dog. Pleasure. Pain. "Gimmie," She begged between gasps. "More!"

I sucked her steaming clit between my lips and then my teeth. I snapped again.

Her body jolted as if by high voltage. I snapped again. Jesus, she was good! She stroked my hair, then clinched the side board. Her knuckles white, but she did not scream. Fuck, I was wet. I was in awe of her. I wanted her! I was her!

I pushed against her thrashing hips to settle her long enough to get a good grip between my teeth. She slipped from front teeth to bi-cuspid. She took deep bracing breaths. She wanted it. I knew. Fuck, how I knew. I had to do it. I sunk my teeth into her clamping down tight - no release.. Harder - as hard as I fucking could! HOLY SHIT! She was taking it!

Her fist pounded the night stand. The lamp fell over. She kicked! And thrashed - she began to scream, chanting between staccato breaths, "Blueberry, blueberry blue bluh bl-nan bl-nan, blana, blah-nana bah-lange, Blange... Borange Borange Bor OR OR ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE FUCK ME ORANGE!."

Holy Fuck she was good. But, she could take no more - she had cum hard! I did that! I made her cum!

But now, we had to move on to something else. I had to smoothly change the subject. I didn't want to be like that fucking putz that bit me. I didn't want to crawl up there and cuddle with her - stroke her cheek and tell her what a good girl she was. I mean, I did want to do that - more than anything - but I remember to well what that was like. I knew the only way I would be able to keep her, is to stay on top.

She was bawling, barely able to speak, hyperventilating. Humiliation was the only line of attack. "I'm so sorry, its all I could take I,,, I," She stuttered.

"Shut, the fuck up bitch, did I ask you to speak?"

"No."

"No what?"

"No... um No Sir."

"You came, didn't you?"

"Yes, sir."

"Didn't I specifically tell you not to? You cum and then ask me to stop doing what I am doing with your safe word? What kind of manipulative little slut are you? Now get out of that bed and go get me a beer - you selfish cunt."

She crawled from atop the heap of covers and limped across the room holding her crotch. Crying.

"You might want to put something cold on that, spread your legs and put one of those cold beers between them," I said in a compassionate moment. "But bring me one first, make it two."

She opened the mini fridge and brought them as requested. "This is the last of them."

"Well, I guess you'll be going across the street to get more then, won't you? Gather up your clothes and bring them here." She moved with an erotic injured awkwardness. Her crying subsided with the new attention. I had to think fast, as she laid the heap of garments on the floor at my feet.

"Now sit there on the floor and put this cold can between your legs for a few minutes. You'll need to get some ice too. We can't have my sweet pussy out of action too long, now can we?"

"Thank you, mistress."

I looked at her sitting on the ground nursing her self, and at the clothes at my feet. I made direct eye contact as I grabbed my ‘cock.' "You are so bad," I thought as delicious, devious thoughts tumbled about in my little noggin.

I slid to the ground and pulled the harness to the side squatting over the heap of fabric. "Look at me you whore!"

She was doe eyed. Motionless.

I downed the rest of the third beer. "You want to be my little servant don't you?"

"Yes, mistress."

"You are going to go across the street and get some ice, and some more beer for me aren't you, slave."

"I'll do what ever you ask, sir. Anything, anything!" her desperate tone was enthralling. I have been that desperate. I am that desperate. I am sick. A whore. I had to do this. I had to. I had to.

She moaned in fear and anticipation. My eyes rolled back in my head, I took a deep breath and pushed downward with my diaphragm. She looked horrified, frightened, wholly aroused - eyes like grapefruit. My bladder released like a dyke bursting - cascading a yellow torrent onto her wardrobe. Piss trickled down my legs and splattered on my ankles. There was no stopping now. Holy fuck - what the hell was I doing! I wanted to fucking touch myself!

I had a lot to drink that day - and it had been hours since I pissed. It just kept coming! "Crawl over here bitch!" I demanded as I poured the last few squirts into the saturated mess. "Lick my pussy for me wipe it with your tongue."

I slipped my ass back up onto the bed as she crawled pathetic across the floor and kneeled onto the soggy fabric to satisfy my request. I saved a nice full spray for her as she approached and I pushed her away. I had to. I know what she needed. I am a sub. I hate myself.

"You don't deserve to lick my pussy, selfish whore - you came without permission. Now, put those clothes on and go to the store like you were told - here's 20 bucks."

The tears returned. Slowly she began to dress as I watched. It was the hottest un-strip-tease imaginable. The wet fabric clung to her chubby body. She reeked. I made her leave the heavy under-wire bra off - so we could see her fat nipples through her thin white blouse. She was so hot. Timid. Scared. Aroused.

Her head hung low, her steps short and deliberate. She could not look up. I walked out on to the stoop to watch her cross the parking lot. I wanted to touch myself. I went back inside to await her return and concoct what to do next. Perhaps it was time to stop this foolishness and just make love to her. Would she hate me? I wanted to peel her clothes off and bath her. Help her nurse her wound. I wanted to be gentile. I wanted to go to a fucking movie and hold her hand. Really, I did. But you can't. You can't. I would have run like hell. I started to cry myself. I wanted her. I want her. I am her.

The light from outdoors broke the darkness as the door swung open. I was caught - face buried in the pillow, bawling. I felt like a cat who is suddenly tossed from the couch where she had been sleeping for hours. She shut the door and dropped the packages right where they stood and came over to the bed. She stroked my hair and told me she knew. I rolled over and kissed her. Her soggy clothes were intoxicating against my flesh. She knew. Slowly she climbed on top of me. I let her. I welcomed her. She was crying - barely audible. "I know what you want." Her body shifted. My face was buried beneath her skirt. The stench. She knew.

"I can't do this," she cried as she lowered her hips to my face. "I can't." Her panties bulged and then began to rain. She was pissing on me.

Holy fuck what was happening to me! I let go. I was cumming instantly - not like before - like a girl should. FUCK! She had me. I was hers. She knew it. She saw through me. I couldn't help it. I blurted it out! I didn't mean to - I swear it. It... it just happened.

"I love you!"

She answered - as I feared she might. "Pomegranate!"

Before I knew it she had darted for the door. I was so stunned I could not say anything. I was paralyzed. I had my tables so thoroughly turned. She fucking pissed on me! And left me here. Motionless.

I have not left the motel room yet. Everything got turned around so fast. I am alone - wanting to be hers. Wanting to be her toilet whore. It is what I am good for. Nothing else. I am a whore. She pissed on me! It was wholly humiliating. It was astonishing. It was surrender. Total surrender. Like suicide with a sexual afterlife.

I am crying. I hate myself. I am still fucking myself as I write this. I feel only a little better after telling you all of this but, I want to go deeper. I will go deeper. I want to cum.

I am going to cut myself. I want a scar. A scar for Julia. I will watch it heal, and think of her for weeks.

Where is that fucking razor blade?