One Slip - A Hard Fall
written by:
joesephus

ONE SLIP - A HARD FALL © by Joesephus

This story is actually a continuation of a story by Patricia51 which can be found on Literotica. You can find a link to Lit in the links sections here at Eroticstories.com. While I think this story can stand on its own, it really is better with the back-story. Besides, Patrica51, is one of the best erotic writer period. What's more she has the awards to prove it.

This was the second story I ever wrote, but it is still one of my favorite. I was reluctant to post it here because Patrica51's story isn't available here, but when I saw that ES had provided a link to Lit I decided it was okay. Let me remind you that all the mistakes are mine, but my editors did as much as they could.

This story begins exactly where "ONE SLIP" ends.

When Donna walked through the door, Steve blinked. And then he blinked again. The first blink was caused by his surprise at seeing her there; the second was caused by her expression.

Something about the way she held herself erect and the quivering chin made him think of death and firing squads. Steve's testicles retracted in fear. The hair on the back of his neck stood at attention, as he watched Donna try to form words. The tension crackled. He started to stand, to rush to take her in his arms but something about her body language froze his muscles as solidly as the first time Steve had been supposed jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Involuntarily voicing his greatest fear, he asked softly, "Are -- are the kids okay?"

"I cheated on you with Gil." she finally managed in a strained voice, the last word spat with incredible venom. Her eyes that had been darting around the room dropped to the floor and Steve found himself, incongruously, looking at her clenched hands and not at her face, bravely defying tears.

Steve wondered how and why he was standing; he should have collapsed with the rest of the world. Yet as he stood there, he marveled. He had heard the words, understood what they meant, but he had no reaction to them. Less than if she'd said 'it's about to rain.' Much less than if she said, 'Someone dinged my car in the parking lot.' Nothing, there was nothing there. Donna had just told him that his life was over and he couldn't summon a response. His analytical rear brain searched for a clue that the body lived. No, air was being taken into his lungs, his eyes registered a woman in front of him, and his ears heard that entity make a sound, a sound that his fore brain identified as a forlorn sob. Could a human make a sound like that? A sound so desolate that his humanity demanded that he offer solace to such a tormented soul.

"He's trying to blackmail me with these pictures to make me into a -- a -- a whore."

Steve blinked, then blinked again as the images falling from her hand seemed to freeze in mid air like one of trick scenes in the movies. It seemed he examined those horrid images for a lifetime, for an eternity. Then, his mind sought some way to retreat from those intolerable images. Some way to destroy them. Unable to deal with the reality being presented, the primeval portion of Steve's personality sought a way to change reality. Overloaded with stimuli, he lost awareness of his surroundings.

Still, the civilized part of his brain continued to seek a modern solution, an acceptable way to change this unwelcome new world. While that search was being processed the primitive portion of his brain had its solution, Gil's presence in this world was no longer desirable. Removing him from it would remove one source of the pain. As he marched past the entity sobbing in his office, the civilized porting of his was horrified to hear himself say, to Darlene, "Call your brother, tell him to send the coroner to Gil's office. Tell him to take his time. I'll kill anyone who tries to stop me, so don't rush."

The entity, that had been his wife tried to tackle him. It clung to his arm pleading with him. The sight of it disgusted him. The primitive brain contemplated removing it from the planet also. The civilized portion recognized that he was losing control, descending into insanity. In a determined rear guard action, it managed to set boundaries for his savage. Instead of mindless violence he only said softly, "Get out." His voice now so cold it would shatter steel like glass, the primitive brain issued a Parthian shot. "If I ever see you or hear you've been around my kids I'll make you wish you'd never been born!"

Shrugging the sobbing entity off, he marched to his truck. As he got in, he reached into the well between the seats and retrieved his 9mm Glock. Steve frequently carried large amounts of cash for his construction workers who wanted their wages in cash, so he had a license for the pistol. As the Steve checked its function, it felt good in his hand. Starting his beat-up pickup, he began the five-minute journey to his former best friend's office.

It was the utterly mundane act of stopping for a red light that gave Steve's civilized brain time to re-gain control. A simple question that he asked himself, stumped him. Why did that slim ball need to die? Was it because he was trying to blackmail the love of his life? Steve had refused to listen to rumors of that sort of behavior on Gil's part before. Or, was it the images that had fallen from Donna's hand? Images of her with Gil's cock in her mouth and of her on her back on Gil's desk, her legs spread lewdly, her neck muscles straining as she absorbed his cock. Images that showed her need, her desire, her love? His mind shied, unable to deal with those images... yet. As the light turned green, Steve pulled over and began to think. Almost immediately he knew that while he could kill in heat, he wasn't a cold-blooded killer. Sitting there, thinking, planning, Steve's blood ran very cold indeed.

Reexamining the images seared forever in his brain, he realized that the images were stills from several different security cameras. Gil's new office, had been set up to surreptitiously record events. It didn't take long to formulate his plan.

Two minutes after he re-started his truck, he pulled up to Gil's office, in total control, knowing what he was going to do. He made sure no one could see the gun under his shirt as he waltzed past Gil's secretary. Gil was doing something behind his desk as Steve slammed the door open so hard it almost shattered as it hit the wall. The sound reverberated through the now silent office like a rifle shot.

As it rebounded to click closed behind him, Steve pulled his gun and watched as the blood drained from Gil's face. The sound urine hitting the carpet was a precursor to the raw sewage smell as Gil's bowels released.

Using a voice colder than liquid-nitrogen Steve said, "turn on your cameras, I'm going to give you thirty seconds to make a tape for Nancy and the kids before I settle this. If you do this like a man I'll make it quick, otherwise I'm going to slowly make you regret the day you met me."

Gil looked like a cartoon character as he skittered around his office seeking some avenue of escape or shelter. Steve raised the gun. "If you don't want to say goodbye to your kids, I'll make sure everyone knows what a cowardly bastard you were."

Gil wasn't dumb. Making the recording would buy time, and time was his only hope. The tape of Donna was right on top all the other tapes he'd been gathering to get to safety in case Donna followed through on her threat to go to the police. Keeping his hands in plain view, he activated the system that had made him so much money. It was a simple system, blackmail amateur women to provide sex for customers and then blackmail those clients for more business. He couldn't believe that Donna was destroying him, she'd always been a friend.

Desperately seeking gain a modicum of sympathy, and more time, Gil began a tearful and manipulative farewell to his wife and kids. After a little more than a minute, just as he hoped his ploy might work, Steven's voice from coldest reaches of hell said, "Say goodbye. I'm going to let it roll for a few seconds so they don't have to see the rest if they don't want to."

Every remaining molecule of piss and shit flushed from Gil's body. "Please," he stammered softly the word almost unrecognizable in his terror-constricted voice. "Please I'll do anything."

Impossibly, Steve's voice got even colder, "I might have been able to forgive you cheating with Donna in a moment of hot passion but you cold-bloodedly tried to turn my wife into a whore."

Sensing a possible escape Gil whined, "No, I'd never do that to Donna, I just wanted her a second time. I love her, really I do."

Steve's voice now a few degrees colder than absolute zero said, "You're not blackmailing other women for your business?"

Unable to deny it, with the evidence scattered on his desk, Gil, clinging to the last tendrils of hope, tried a different approach. "No, I do, I have a half dozen that's why I don't need Donna for that. Look, I have the tapes of them right here. Donna's special. You know me. I'm not like you. I can't keep it in my pants and Donna... I'm so sorry Steve, really I just lost my head and then when she didn't want to continue, I thought I could use the pictures. You can't blame me, Donna's the finest woman I know, and I couldn't help myself."

Steve let a little incredulity seep into his voice and let the coldness warm to merely artic. "You swear that's true, you swear your oath, freely given like this was a court of law, in public where everyone can hear that you didn't intend to blackmail Donna because you already had enough women under control?"

Hope springing eternal, Gil began swearing by every value known to man. He swore he'd say the same thing from the steps of the courthouse and that he would do anything to make it right. He didn't even slow down as he heard the sirens approach, and he was still in full confession mode when the police announced their presence.

Steve's voice now cracked like a whip. "Gil, get your sorry ass out there before I change my mind."

As Gil opened the door to his office to flee, Steve made sure that Gil saw him hide the gun in Gil's desk. Rushing into the arms of the police, Gil screeched, "He's hidden the gun in my desk, arrest him he's trying to kill me." Steve turned to the officer and said in a clam normal voice. "I think he's having a nervous breakdown. He called my wife and said he was going to commit suicide, so I rushed over here only to find him with my gun to his head."

Gil was frantic. "He's lying, I've got it all on tape he was going to kill me, you can see it all..."

The deadly smile on Steve's face stopped Gil in mid word. He'd just removed any chance that the tape he'd just made wouldn't be admissible in his own trial. It was at that point that Mike, Darlene's brother walked in. He took the tableau in at a glance and listened as his sergeant recapped what had been said. Looking intently at Steve, he said, "I'm going to have to arrest both of you, where's the gun?"

Steve looked completely relaxed and said, "I put it in his middle drawer. It's unloaded, but I didn't want to make any of your guys nervous. The rounds are in my truck. You're gonna want to see the tape."

Mike still looking Steve in the eye said, "Darlene called and told me what's going on. I told her to contact your lawyer, he should be here any second. Is there anything you want to say before I read you your rights?"

Steve returned the steely glare. "I'm not sure I committed any crime, but I do know you have evidence on that tape he just volunteered that's going to send this bag of shit to prison for a long time. All I ask is that you make sure that if I make bail that bitch I married isn't around me or my kids."

Because Darlene had been talking to him on his cell phone as he'd rushed here, Mike understood that Steve was asking that the tape of his wife disappear before his kids had to see it. Still there was so much pain and hostility in that voice that Mike was tempted to say something, but it didn't look like Steve was in any mood to hear it.

Four hours later Steve walked out of the jail looking for his truck. Darlene and her husband Bill, one of Steve's site foremen, were beside him. Bill had brought Steve's truck from Gil's office and would ride home with Darlene, who had come to post bail. As it turned out, no charges had been filed yet on Steve. The DA had watched the video made in Gil's office and had concluded that he would need to go before a grand jury to seek an indictment. Privately he told Steve that he would be astounded the Grand Jury didn't no bill him, but that he would be grateful if Steve would keep in close touch.

Steve, escorted by Darlene walked to his truck, his mind had been so focused on what he was doing with Gil, and getting out of jail, that he hadn't given a single thought to Donna or his children. Darlene put her arm on his gently as he unlocked the door to his battered pickup, "My sister-in-law Pat is with your kids at our house, Donna isn't at home, but she's desperate to talk to you, don't you think this would be a good time to let her see you?"

The images that had fallen from Donna's hand exploded into his brain, and Steve felt the pain crash in on him. Suddenly he was finding it difficult to breathe as the air was sucked from his lungs and he couldn't seem to inhale. Steel bands where squeezing his chest ever tighter. Then, at first camouflaged by his emotional pain, he became aware that someone had smashed him in the chest with a sledgehammer. That pain exploded paralyzing his body. His mind marveled, 'it really does feel like an elephant sitting is sitting on your chest.' Unable to support the pachyderm, he slowly collapsed. The physical strength he'd always taken such a secret pride in, failed him. Grabbing Darlene's arm, aware he was dying he managed to croak, "Don't let that bitch near me, she's killed me."

Steve's world began to go black just like one of those old cartoons. His last thought was 'where's the tunnel of light?'

Chapter 2 At the Hospital

Donna:

In the grim black and white ruins of Donna's world, there remained window of hope. One magic portal back to the land of colors and living creatures, but blocking the door like a lineman on a pro football team was Darlene's husband Bill. Rational thought had died for Donna when she got Darlene's clipped voice mail in her hotel room. "Steve's had a massive heart-attack, they don't think he'll make it, DON'T come to the hospital, but you might want to start getting the legal paperwork together. We've got the kids here at the hospital. We'll take care of them. He Doesn't Want You Here! Do NOT Come Here!"

She hadn't processed the whole message, only that the center of her life might be dying. She was vaguely aware that her field of vision narrowed until it was like looking through two toilet paper tubes. She was oblivious; her brain was filtering out everything not related to getting her to her husband. So tightly was she focused, that she never considered the reason for her husband's heart attack. She wasn't able to conceive what life would be like without him. Somehow, she had managed to drive her new BMW to the hospital, but she'd left it, door open and engine running, parked on the sidewalk in front of the hospital. She hadn't even stopped to think about her kids. Her children were the planet that her moon orbited, but Steve was the sun at the center of her universe. The children would grow up and leave but the sun; the sun was the source of life.

Her vision narrowed further, her rational brain knew that Bill couldn't stop her, but primitive brain insisted on physical action. Pausing about twenty feet away, she said, "Bill, that's Steve in there, I've got to see him, take care of him. I can't let him die!"

Bill snarled, "What you want doesn't matter you damn slut, the only way you're getting in there is with the National Guard using fixed bayonets. You've killed him and his last words were to keep you away, and by God and all the saints, that's what I'm going to do." What happened next was right out of the keystone cops. As Donna rushed for the door, Bill put his hand out like a traffic cop, and Donna collided with it. She hadn't seen the wet floor signs. So when she skidded into him, his push caused her to lose her balance and with a piercing scream her head crashed onto the hard floor.

As she lay in a disheveled boneless heap in front of Steve's door, fighting to hold onto consciousness, she heard Bill's angry roar. "Nurse get someone to get this piece of shit off the floor, my friend is going to die in peace." The pain from the verbal kick was far worse than the fall. It eclipsed her sun and the darkness consumed her.

She awoke in a hospital bed. Monitors, with an incongruous cheeriness, were chirping softly. She felt wonderful! But it only took a second to realize that there was an artificial patina to her exuberance. Someone had given her a 'happy pill.' It took several second to remember Steve and the reason why someone would drug her and she then she was furious. At least as furious as the 'happy pill' would allow. Her husband might be dying and no one should try to mute her responses to that. Before she could begin working on righteous indignation, the reason for his heart attack crashed in on her and she was grateful for anything that dulled her awareness. Donna wept.

Even with her senses dulled, she felt a kernel of resentment form. This wasn't fair. She was sorry, more sorry than she'd ever been about anything in her life, about what she'd done with Gil. She would do almost anything to make up for it, but it hadn't been this important. Certainly, not important enough to take Steve away from her, to ruin her life. A mindless half hour of sex shouldn't be able to destroy her world. That wasn't fair! Steve's response was all so out of proportion to what she'd done. The act hadn't meant anything to her, just a momentary lust that got out of control. It would never happen again and... and well Steve would just have to forgive her. But what about everyone else? Was there any way everyone else might somehow ignore what she'd done?

'Happy pill" or not, a tiny vacuum developed in Donna chest! It could happen, her world could end over something so stupid so vacuous. It was just a tiny little slip, how could a stolen half hour ruin her life? The scorn on her friend Bill's face, his demeanor and the contempt of his words reverberated and sank in. He knew and he despised her for what she done. She wanted to rush to Bill and plead for understanding, to explain. But how could she explain what she couldn't understand? She didn't deny her responsibility, but she had never thought about trying to explain it?

She shook her head again. These sorts of earth shattering results should require months, years of planning, not a mere half hour of lust that ultimately was simply messy and not magnificent. Then another thought intruded. 'Why rush to Bill and not to Steve?' she wondered. The vacuum in her chest threatened to consume her heart as her mind skittered around the edges of the concept of life without Steve, that Steve might have already died not understanding how supremely unimportant that half hour had been in her life.

The idea that she might not have the chance to fix this was... intolerable! Tears flowed down her cheeks and huge wailing sobs consumed her as Donna again surveyed the bleak colorless post-apocalyptical ruins that had been her idyllic life. Mired in dark depression the 'Happy pill' overpowered her and she slept.

Steve:

Steve had been in a place as devoid of life. He was searching, languidly, for a tunnel of light when he heard a scream. Donna needed him! He had to help her! She was in trouble and he could no more ignore her than he could will his heart to stop, less so. Even in so distant a place, her voice was a beacon he could follow. As that voice echoed in his mind, it became the lantern he needed to find his way, a reason to live, a focus of a desire to continue.

It wasn't until he reached the threshold that he saw the devastation of his life and dreams. As he reflected on that scene, he slowly oozed back from the harsh glare. The questions were painful to ask, much less answer. Did he really want to continue? To continue to Donna and the pain? On the cusp, without making a decision, he began to slide back into permanence of that velvety blackness.

Then, he heard a new voice, "Daddy? Daddy can you hear me? Nurse! Nurse, something's wrong, please hurry, please! Daddy, hold on please, Daddy please. Jimmy, Sarah hurry, I'm... hurry help meeee!"

Now more voice were calling and pleading. Steve looked at the light and he looked at the darkness. The light was harsh and unyielding, painful. The darkness still seemed more comfortable, soothing. There were no problems in the darkness. But his children were in the light and he opened his eyes.

Donna:

Donna was aware of her mother's voice, gossiping, "Steve's going to make it, he finally came around, they were able put in three stints to open up the LAD. Did you know that it was 100% blocked and he didn't even know it? That artery carries almost half the blood to the heart. The doctors call that spot 'the widow maker.' The doctor said it wasn't unusual, at least in very active men who work out, for capillaries to form around a blockage as his did, but he was a heart attack waiting to happen. Who would have known? He's only 42, has low cholesterol, not even a pound overweight, no indicators at all, just bad genes. It was the Grace of God that there was someone there when he collapsed. Their CPR kept him alive until they could do something for him here.

I've already told you, I don't know the whole story, just that Donna collapsed when she got here and that she and Steve are having some sort of fight. Steve's parents have the kids, I'll be going over there to see them as soon as her sedative wears off and I can ask Donna a few questions. There's nothing wrong with her, she just fainted like some heroine in a silent movie. Since she was in a hospital, they got hysterical and doped her up. Trying to avoid lawsuits no doubt. Look I've got to go, she's starting to stir."

"Donna, Donna are you awake?"

Donna wondered if she could fool her mother, she didn't think she could face her right now. If hearing that Steve was okay exhilarated her, full understanding of her situation terrified her. She wondered if there were any way that she could wait until after she'd talked to Steve to let her mother know about her... it wasn't an affair, it was just stupidity.

"Donna, you've never cried in your sleep, so I know you're awake. I know the whole story, this is going to have to be handled very carefully or you're going to lose your marriage. You're going to have to take charge of Steve before he can lock you out of his life. You don't have much time. They're going to have him out of recovery soon and you need to be there when he comes down off the drugs."

Donna held her arms out like she had when she was very little and her mother held her as she had then. Her mother's strength helped as it always had and when she thought she could control her voice she said, "Momma, I know I've messed up, but this shouldn't be the end of the world!" Tears of self-pity formed and rolled down her cheek.

Dropping seamlessly into her accustomed role, her mother said, "Donna, you weren't raised to be a simpering ninny. We taught you to stand on you own two feet and face the world head on. You've never backed down in the face of trouble and I'm not going to see you do it now."

The words were NOT softened by the tone. There was anger and disappointment in her voice, and Donna took a deep breath. Running away would be so much easier, but her mother was right, she couldn't. Even if she could somehow leave her children, she couldn't leave Steve. She might as well try to leave her skeleton! No, she had a backbone and now was the time to use it... except how, how did you fight when you were so fully in the wrong?

"Do you know why you cheated?"

Donna's head snapped back so hard and the pain was so sharp that for an instant Donna thought her mother had slapped her.

Donna sighed again, but this one was different, this was the sound you make when you've decided something unpleasant can't be put off any longer. "I didn't really cheat, I mean... I don't know, I never intended to, it was almost like I wasn't there."

Thunder clouds formed on her mother's brow and lightning flashed in her eyes. "Donna Elizabeth Truman Bellows, don't you ever say anything like that to Steve! It's the same thing as saying you'll do it again when conditions are right. You damn well do know why you did it and you'd better be able to tell him why and why it will never happen again!"

Her mother's face became implacable, "You need to look Steve in the eye and say you didn't enjoy it. That Gil wasn't a better lover too! But most important you have to make him believe he can trust you again!"

Donna was shocked, her mother had never spoken like this. They'd talked about sex of course, but it had always been a subtle thing. Her mother's bluntness forced her respond in kind. "It was exciting, and flattering that Gil wanted me so badly. He was so passionate that I felt special, needed. His penis is smaller than Steve, so I felt a certain pride of accomplished because I could take all of him in my mouth. I wanted him, but once he started, he wasn't very good. It was like my mind was enjoying it but my body stopped responded. He came very quickly, and when he did he was done. It was mentally exciting but it wasn't very good sex. I felt so guilty when I got home, I wanted Steve more than I have in years, but I couldn't because I couldn't, and wouldn't give him sloppy seconds. I had decided never to do anything like that again before I ever got home."

Donna stopped to control her emotions but one sob slipped out, "Oh Momma, it didn't mean anything. I didn't mean for it to happen..."

Her mother's voice crackled, "I did mean something, it meant you didn't honor your marriage, your husband or your kids."

She felt a flash of resentment before the truth crashed in on her. She looked at her mother, "Did you ever-- slip?" her voice was soft but it was her mature voice, no longer the little girl.

Her mother's expression soften, her love evident. "No, there were times when it was a near thing, but no, and as far as I know your father never slipped either. That doesn't mean every thing I know about affairs I learned from those stupid women's magazines." You know people have always called me Dear Abby. Part of that is because I can keep secrets. You're going to benefit from that now, because I'm not going to have to go to court to see my grandchildren! But, be warned, if I have to choose between you and them it will be a very hard choice! So don't screw this up!"

"He hates me! He said he'd hurt me if he ever saw me or if I ever got around the kids." Donna wasn't crying now, just explaining the facts. The pain intensified. Oh God how the could she stand it? Using years of experience and discipline she managed to leash it, allowing her to function.

When her mother saw she was back in control she said, "Well that one's easy; Steve won't keep you from the children. He couldn't even if he wanted to, and you know he wouldn't. He just said the thing he knew would hurt you the most. You're lucky in a way that he's sick, that gives you a way back to him you might not have had."

"What are you talking about Momma?"

"Steve needs help, and you can tell him that you might have broken one part of your vows, but you will not let him force you to break any of the other parts. Look, he's mad and I don't know if either of us can understand how hurt he is. My experience tells me that you can't do anything about those emotions; you have to deal in facts. You broke his trust and you have to fix it. One of your best weapons is you marriage vows. Yes you broke part of them, but not all of them. You need to show that you still value you word as much as he does."

Suppressing the urge to cry, Donna tried to absorb what her mother was telling her. She ran the marriage vow through her head and realized that there was more than 'forsaking all others" in the vow, there was a part about "sickness and health" too.

Her mother continued, "You can't turn off love like a light switch, it dies like a fire without new fuel. All Steve could have done to this point is to have decided to stop feeding it. You've got until it dies to get him to change his mind. Now, I don't know what you were thinking when you brought those pictures to his office, Darlene showed them to me, but that was very dumb. You don't ever want your man to have those sorts of images of you. It can't be helped, but you can use it if you're very clever and very careful. A man reacts to visual images of his mate being 'claimed' by another. Someone did a study once on volume of sperm in a man's ejaculate. If it has been a long time since a man has seen his mate, like a long business trip his sperm volume is way up. No surprise there, except it doesn't matter if he jacks off the day before. Biologically he wants to claim his mate in case there have been claim jumpers. I think it's the same thing if a man sees his wife with another. Seeing her like that probably will make him very horny, at least for temporarily. Now listen carefully! Don't make the mistake of thinking that means he accepts it. Man isn't ruled by biology, and his logical mind generally tells him that it isn't worth the effort to stay with a mate he can't trust.

If he hadn't seen those pictures, you'd need to do everything in your power keep them from him. It's easier to forgive cheating if you haven't seen the images. Since it's too late for that as a last desperate measure you might be able to use the pictures to get him into your bed one more time. In some of them, probably toward the end you don't look as happy. If all looks lost you might use a couple of those to prove it wasn't great sex." Her mother fixed her with a penetrating stare, "If you get him back in your bed, you make damn sure he never wants to leave it!"

Donna's emotions were so jumbled it seemed impossible to sort them out. Steve was a very passionate man, something most people didn't know because he was also one of the most controlled people Donna had ever met. She knew he was more than capable of controlling a sexual urge for her.

With another sigh of determination this time, she asked, "How can I use sex momma, he's just had a heart attack for God's sake, even if he wants me, which I doubt, and even if he were somehow to lose control and want to take me, which would never happen, I couldn't let him risk his heart like that."

"One of the things they'll tell him is that sex with your wife isn't dangerous, but sex with someone new is, at least for a while. Now let me cover some quick dos and don'ts. Do tell him you love him, often. Do tell him you're sorry, but don't tell him constantly, it'll only remind him. Do have sex with him any way he wants you for a while. Don't let him hurt you sexually or any other way. It's tempting but it won't work in the long run. Let him try anything new as long as it doesn't break your vows. If you've never done anal let him, and let him know why!"

Donna was horrified, "Momma! Steve would never want to do that, and I just couldn't!"

Her mother gave her a knowing look and said, "Don't knock what you've never tried dear, with lube it can be a lot of fun, and a very special way to tell your man how much you love him. Don't make any offers like letting him cheat on you. It won't work and it will kill the marriage. Don't change from the person he loves. You can't keep him by being his slave or his doormat, he loved and wanted you and you have to give that person back to him, at least as best you can. This has changed you and you're going to have to live with it. Now, you're going to have to repent, and I don't just mean be sorry, you're going to have to try to make him whole after you've taken something precious from him."

"How can I do that Momma, everything I have is his, I've never held anything back."

Her mother's face softened, "Baby, I don't know, but I do know that in every marriage there are, places where neither got their way. You might start looking there. Not to be a doormat, Steve didn't marry a doormat. You'll just have to find a way to make it up to him. Now, I want you to picture a goal, I'm going to give you a mental image and I want you to really think about what you want. I want you to picture Steven in a nice hotel room, a large suite he's laying on the bed. He's all alone, can you see him?"

Donna's mother had always taught lessons this way and Donna couldn't help but let the picture form in her mind. "Yes, I can see him." It took an effort not to cry at the pain of seeing her husband without her built in her mind's eye.

"Okay," her mother continued their never forgotten game, "I want you to see him the way he was the last time he was panting for you. No, make that the look he had just before the best sex of your life. Can you see him; see the hunger in his eyes?"

Donna knew where her mother was going now, this was the goal she needed, what it would look like when she got Steve back. This was the image she'd need to keep fresh as they worked through their problems. "Yes Momma, I see him, I've got the picture, I know that..."

Her mother interrupted, "Now see a tight-bodied twenty something mount him, it's their wedding night and she's starving for him too!"

The image flashed before Donna could stop it! She actually saw another woman, a younger woman with a better body, a tighter body, one that had never given birth mount Steve, right in front of her and she screamed, "MOMMA! Steve would never do that!"

Her mother brought her face down inches from Donnas horror struck eyes, "You feel that flash of pain, well thanks to your pictures Steven doesn't have to imagine that, he can see your passion for another man any time he wants. Statically, that scene with Steve is going to happen. What's worse that young thing will do her best to steal him from your children so that her children have a full-time father. Your goal is to make sure that doesn't happen."

Donna felt a new and different kind of pain welling up. With all that she'd been through, she still hadn't understood the pain she'd inflicted on Steve. The pain that would continue to grow as he saw real images of her over and over again. As he felt the pain of actual not imaginary betrayal. "Oh Momma, I never would have..."

Again, her mother cut her off, "Baby, you can't say that, you did and in your heart you knew how much this would hurt. You fucked his best friend, and the husband of one of your best friends. You have to get it through your head just how evil this thing you've done is. But, I trust you, you don't always look before you leap, that's the source of some of your courage, but you do analyze it later. I know you're going to dwell on this until you get it right, because that's the way you are."

"Now, some of that will have to wait, I've brought your war-paint and one of your better outfits. You're going to clean yourself up while I get you checked out of here. Then you're going to march yourself up to ICU and sit by your husband until he wakes up. You're going to look Bill in the eye and tell him that if you have to get security you will, because you promised sickness and health and you're not going to break that vow. That'll make him spew on you, and you'll look him in the eye when he does. Don't back down! Get to your husband's side and stay there until he has the strength to kick you out, if he does."

Donna swallowed hard; did she have the courage to face Bill and Darlene? She took a deep breath, 'Unless I die, I'm going to have to face them sooner or later, and Momma's right I promised to take care of him in sickness and I'm going to keep my vow! '

As Donna worked on her make-up in the harsh florescent light in the tiny bathroom she tried to conjure what she'd felt in those few seconds she'd pictured Steve with another woman. Because of her mother's skill, she could imagine the pain she'd caused and she could feel the tiniest foreshadowing of the pain she would feel if she lost Steve. What she'd felt when she thought he might have died was really self pity, but the idea of Steve with someone else, having children, cutting her out of his life was no longer unimaginable. 'Oh God, please help me, I couldn't stand that and Momma's right about the children.' Donna had seen it among several of their friends. Even in the cases where the wife didn't try to punish her ex by withholding the kids, it was so very difficult to keep a dad involved if he re-married and had a new family. The cases it had worked best was when the father got custody... Donna pulled herself erect, could she give up her kids if it was for their best interest?

After a few minutes, an eternity later, Donna had made a decision. She stood straight and threw her shoulders back, and looked her reflection in the eye, 'I'm not going to let it come to that. Steve loves me, and he needs me as much as I need him, I'll just have to win this for his sake as much as mine.'

As she was finishing cleaning up, her mother re-appeared with her cloths and cosmetics. Her mother had always referred to cosmetics as 'war-paint' a term that had always embarrassed Donna, but this time it fit her mood. Her mother left saying, she was going to see the kids, and make sure that no one told them tales they shouldn't hear.

When she finish, Donna gave a sigh that was close to snort and walked out of her room. It was only when she saw a big clock outside the ICU that she realized that it was 3:00 AM. She'd known it was dark but she'd had no idea of the time. She quailed and almost retreated, a cowardly voice saying she should wait for daylight before any confrontation. Almost, but she never broke her stride. She didn't see Bill, but Darlene was there. When she saw Donna she jumped to her feet and stood, arms and legs akimbo, attempting to block her.

Donna stopped in front of her and said, "Darlene, you're one of my best friends. If you want to side with Steve, I wont have hard feelings, but you need to wait to see if there are going to BE sides. I made the worst mistake of my life. There are reasons, and one was that I was way too drunk and I wasn't prepared for my husband's best friend to take advantage of me. I'm not making any excuses, but we've talked before about the temptations we've both faced. I pray you never find yourself where I am today, but if you do; I know I won't try to stand in the way of you trying to fight for your marriage. My soul mate is in there, and in my weakness and eternal shame, I wasn't with him when he might have died. He won't have to kick hard if he wants to kick me out for what I've done, but I'm not going to leave his side until he's strong enough to kick me as hard as I deserve!"

As Donna set her jaw, she saw Darlene searching her face before looking deeply into her eyes. Seeing a half nod, Donna knew that she won even before Darlene said, "Donna, you know I love you, how could you let this happen?"

Donna took a deep breath, "I don't know if I can put it into words yet, I will, but the first person to hear that will be Steve. I need to share, and if you're willing, I'll be oh so grateful if you'll listen, but I don't want to practice it first. Steve deserves to hear this raw if he wants. After, or if he doesn't want to hear, you'll be the first I promise."

Darlene's expression softened, "He still loves you, you know. He went over there to protect you from Gil's blackmail not to kill him for what you and he did. He told Mike to 'lose' the tape and pictures of you. He could have used that in a divorce, but I don't think the thought ever crossed his mind. Donna, he's my boss. If you break up, I'll stick with him. But if you're going to fight for him, I'm on your side. Despite what you saw with Bill this afternoon, he'll be on your side too. Things were just moving too fast. We weren't thinking clearly. I'm sorry for what I thought Donna. When you collapsed I was sure that... I knew that what you did was some sort of fluke. Then Mike came by and talked to us. He said that Gil, faced with all those tapes, and his lawyer saying he didn't have a chance of excluding them, has been singing like a bird. Your name hasn't come up officially. It seems your tape seems to have been lost. Mike said he was sure that yours was a one-time fling. He also said you're the reason this is all going down. All I ask that you pay real close attention to the medical stuff in there, if you're... well remember he's still kind of delicate and if starts getting worked up again it..."

Donna smiled sadly and said, "I know Darlene, I'll have to play it by ear. I want you to know just how much I appreciate what you did to keep him alive for me, I'm not being melodramatic when I say I don't know how I could keep living if he'd died." Donna had to stop before tears started and ruined her make-up.

As she pushed into his little room, past a nurse who was still sputtering, she felt her pride for her husband swell. She'd been afraid that Steve would physically look diminished by all the medical equipment keeping him alive. It was just the opposite. Her husband seemed a giant with everything around him fading into the background. She knew he was awake. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the pleasure in his eyes at seeing her. As the look of love faded Donna blurted, "Steve, please don't say anything yet, I'm here to take care of you the way I promised when we got married, let me get you well before you..."

Steve held out the hand that wasn't connected to IV and Donna flew into it burying her head on his chest, soaking his sheet, gown and skin with her tears. "Donna," his voice sounded incredibly deep as she heard it through his chest, "I don't think we can fix this, but I've been laying here thinking about what I'd said when I thought I was dying. That's not the kind of man I like to think I am. That was pain talking and even if we don't make it, I wouldn't want you to think that I blame you for my heart attack."

Donna waited until she knew she had control of her voice and said, "Oh Steve, can't we pretend for a little bit that nothing happened? Just until you get better, I won't fight you if you want to kick me out, but I just told Darlene that I want you well enough so that you can kick me the way I deserve." Donna tried to let her face show Steve that she was serious.

Steve sighed sadly, "I don't know Dandy. Every time I think about what I saw, the nurse has to come in and stick me with something to put me to sleep, but I still haven't been able to stop..."

Donna griped his hand in both of hers, pulling it to her breasts. He'd just used her pet name, and her hope soared. "Please just let me care for you, you said you didn't want to die letting me think that I'd killed you. Can't you see I can't live with myself if I can't honor all the other promises I made. Please Steve, you've always been the logical one, I've been the emotional one, please let me help. When you're well, you can scream and order me to crawl out of your house on my belly and I'll do it. I will do absolutely anything to make this easier for you. Momma came by, and gave me one of her talks; she told me that if I was truly sorry I had to make restitution. Well I am so very sorry. Please let me show you that. It'll be better for you long term too, no matter what you do. I love you Steve, please, please let me show you, please? I don't deserve it, but please?"

Looking into his eyes, Donna saw the pain, Steve was the nicest man she'd ever met, but he wasn't going to be able to handle this. She crimped her conscious and felt it pinch, "Please Steve, this is going to be too much for the kids to almost lose you and then have to find out... about me and then lose their family all in the same day. Steve, I have no right to ask, I know that. I swear when you're better I'll come clean and let them hate me, but not just yet, please. I'll do anything you want, anything to make it easier on you, I promise, but not yet please." The only smidgen of pride left Donna was that she didn't cry.

Steve yawned, "Okay Dandy, procrastination has always been easy for me. I can do that, I have to stop thinking about this whole mess for a while anyway, if I'm going to get well. I'll tell myself that 'I'll think about it tomorrow, ' whenever it pops in my mind.' You're right about the kids too. That's the other thing that I've been worrying about. If I'd died I would have set them up to hate you and I wouldn't want that either." He paused and when he resumed his voice was very grave, "I can put off responding to how I feel, but I can't completely pretend it hasn't happened Donna. I'll wear the best mask I can for the kids, but I can't pretend that I'm your loving husband. Donna, it will have to be separate rooms..." His voice trailed off his eyes showing more pain than Donna thought she could bear.

She composed herself, nodded and said, "We can explain that as you needing to recover for now, you won't be sorry, Steve thank you so much for this..." she paused again, too choked up to continue.

Steve met her eyes nodded slightly, then seemed to run down. In a matter of minutes, she heard the snore he'd developed recently. It had been a source of more than minor irritation, but as she heard it now, she swore that if she could ever sleep next to it, she'd never complain again. As she left to locate one of those sleeping-chairs she'd seen in one of the other rooms, she almost bumped into a formidable woman. One who seemed to define the term 'old battle axe.'

With no preamble the head nurse began, "You must be the infamous wife I've heard about, that was a dangerous thing you just did, I was prepared to call security if I had to."

Donna looked the woman in the eye, "You wouldn't have had to, but I know my husband, and I knew he wouldn't have wanted it left the way it was standing. He may still kick me out, but he'll never do it without giving me a chance to explain myself. I don't know if I would have thought of it, but I also knew he wouldn't force me to break my other vows. To be fair to him, when he can handle it, I'll let him see the pictures of me again. Then he can work out his anger, if that's what he wants to do. All we've done is put this off until he's well. It also lets him put his mind at ease about the kids. I knew he wouldn't want to have to deal with them now, not until he was able to get up and about. How long will he need to be here?"

The conversation turned professional but occupied only a portion of Donna's mind. She'd bought time, now she had to make sure she used it wisely. Two weeks, maybe three that's how long she had to win her husband into a new relationship. She was determined that if Steve wanted one of the "claim your mate fucks," she would make it one for the record books!

Chapter Three - The Struggle Begins

Donna recognized the odor before she pulled the dirty underwear out of the hamper. It was the second pair that had contained the distinct scent of her husband's semen. She hadn't been certain of the other one, but on this pair, she could see the tiny amount of the evidence. It hurt! Married to Steve for fifteen years Donna knew the amount was too small to be result of a wet dream. He must have used a tissue.

Donna felt the tears try to form, as her vision became bleary. Now she knew that Steve was masturbating rather than making love to her. It hurt! It hurt more than Donna would have thought possible a month ago.

Ever since that day at the hospital, over three weeks ago, her mother had been drowning her with articles and studies about the effects of a cheating spouse on a marriage. The sheer volume was worthy of a professional researcher. However, most were so depressing that Donna had to forcer herself to read them. She refused to believe that the things she'd read could possibly happen to Steven and her.

One of the earliest articles had talked about how the husband frequently lost all interest in the cheating wife sexually. Skeptical, she had made every effort these last three weeks to look her best. She got up in time to put on her makeup and fix her hair before Steve woke up.

Following the advice in one article, she carefully avoided wearing anything too provocative or sexy. She wanted Steve to see her as a loyal wife and mother, not as a sex-starved slut. Yet, she was very aware that Steve wasn't looking at her very much period. When he did, he couldn't, or didn't try, to keep the pain or anger out of his expressions.

Conditions were getting worse. It was like a full bathtub with a slow leak. You couldn't see it or hear it, but over time you couldn't miss that the love was leaking out. Donna was at her wits end trying to figure out some way to staunch the flow. Steve certainly had appreciated the care she gave him the first week or so when he'd been confined to bed. However, the more he was able to get up and around, the less around her he wanted to be!

At the doctor's visit three days ago, on Monday, the doctor had cleared Steve to return to work on a limited basis and "to resume normal activities at home." Donna had blushed but asked if that meant they could resume making love. The doctor said that as long as they didn't hang from the chandeliers it would be fine.

Donna hadn't worn her sexiest sleepwear Monday, but she had made a point of checking on Steve wearing her normal nightgowns without a robe. Steve had shown no interest at all and Donna had hoped that it just meant he wasn't feeling horny yet.

Wadding up the underwear and brushing back tears before they could fall, Donna straightened her shoulders and decided that she couldn't put of "the talk" any longer. She would call her mother about picking up the kids after school on Friday to keep them for the weekend. Since Steve wasn't going in to work on Fridays yet, that would give them three full days to work things out.

Donna felt an icy chill; she could be headed to a divorce lawyer on Monday! She took a deep breath--putting it off wouldn't help--they either had to start putting something back into their relationship or it would drain dry. She was certain that Steve hadn't made up his mind to leave her--yet. Still, it didn't take her fifteen years experience to know that Steve was hurting and his resolve to leave the marriage was growing.

As she looked down at the underwear in her hands, an idea began percolating. When she came in to 'tuck him in' tonight, she could make the offer to 'relieve his tension.' That was the term they'd used during and after her pregnancies. She was one of those women who was uncomfortable with sex about the seventh month. She made up for it by giving Steve oral sex. It only got worse after each delivery. All her children were born vaginally. It was always a month or two until she was physically ready again, even longer for her libido to recover. Being dead tired only made it worse. There were times in those early months when she had been so tired she'd worried she might fall asleep in the middle of a BJ. Still, no matter how tired she was, she had never turned Steven down. She had even made it a point to remember to initiate sex.

Using that term should remind him of that, and it was something that he'd mentioned that he'd always appreciated. Just thinking about the possibilities for tonight got Donna's juices flowing. She decided that as soon as she got the kids in bed tonight she would make him make love--or just plain fuck her. It didn't matter as long as they were intimate. It would be easier to talk through their problems this weekend if she had made certain he was very mellow first.

* * * * * *

Getting all three children into bed at a reasonable hour was a nightmare. Their oldest, Steve Jr., had thrown a fit saying that now that he was almost a teenager he needed to stay up and watch the late news. It was just one more sign that all three children sensed the tension in the house. Donna prayed it would get better and not worse.

Donna was sorely tempted to have a glass of wine to fortify her courage, but she didn't want Steve to know she'd needed liquid courage to approach him. As she entered their bedroom, she was wearing one of her nicest nightgowns, more elegant than sexy. Feeling inhibited about being sexy made her acutely aware of her exile from their bedroom. Steve was propped up using her pillow as a backrest and had his laptop on his legs.

From the start of their marriage, Donna had insisted that Steve not bring work into the bedroom. She had insisted that the bedroom was their space, and if he needed to work late, he could use his home office. They didn't even have a TV in there. Her only concession was to allow reading. The argument had flared again a couple of years ago when he got his laptop. He'd downloaded some books and claimed he just wanted to use the laptop to read. The first time she'd caught him playing a computer game, the laptop had been banished.

Seeing him working touched a nerve. She clenched her jaw and squelched her irritation. However, reminding herself why she couldn't comment caused such emptiness in her heart that she froze mid stride for several painful seconds.

Steve's expression, almost daring her to say something about the laptop, made her glad she hadn't worn anything sexier. This wasn't going to be easy. Steve was right at the edge of his side of their king sized bed, leaving her no place to sit. She briefly considered crawling up on her side, but decided that it would be too aggressive. Instead, she walked over next to him and squatted down. When she did, she realized the position worked to her advantage because it brought her breasts to within inches of his arm.

Steve, still looking defiant, added a suspicious glint. Donna briefly thought about saying the laptop was okay, but decided that it would be better to do so tacitly. "Honey, is there anything that I can get or do for you?" She'd tried to hit the anything as hard as she could without making it making it too obvious.

Steve's eyes narrowed, he sniffed and Donna knew he smelled his favorite perfume. He looked deep into her eyes and said, "No, I'm sorry but I'm just not interested."

Donna had prepared herself for that, but it was still difficult not to wince. She took a deep breath, she'd hoped it would take longer for him reject her, but Steve had become much more abrupt since he'd come home. "Steve, Mother is going to pick up the kids at school Friday, and we can have our talk then, but I know you might, uh that you're uh, feeling some tension ..." she let her words hang then plunged ahead. "I'm doing your laundry, so I know you're having 'nocturnal emissions.'"

Steve's face flushed and for a second Donna thought she'd embarrassed him. Then she heard the anger in his voice when he said, "No, I'm not having wet dreams, I jacked off. If I had wanted you, I would have called you, but like I said Donna, I'm just not interested."

Donna swallowed hard, "I understand, but I wanted you to know that if you want to 'relieve your tension,' you can use me. You don't have to make love or even talk to me, but I am concerned. Please Steve, I'm still so scared that something might happen to your heart --- please let me help you. Any way you want it, you can close your eyes and I won't say a word."

Donna knew she was playing dirty to trade on his fears. The twinge in Steve's eye told her that masturbating must have scared him a little too. She let her very real concern show. "Honey you had to take a nitro didn't you? Please, let me help you on this."

She saw his face relax a bit, but the pain was unmistakable when he said softly, "I don't think I can, every time I think about you, all I see are those pictures of Gil in your mouth, and in you. Last time I almost didn't make it to the bathroom before I threw up."

He paused and Donna fought tears welling up. Every time she thought she understood just how much she had hurt him, something like this would happen and she'd realize the pain was even deeper.

She took a deep breath. "Pretend I'm someone else in the dark. Just call me, or come into the guest room and wake me. Any thing that would make it easier for you I'll do. I'll just bend over and you can shove it up my ass if that would make it easier." She'd tried to say it lightly, but she also wanted him to know that she was willing to be used anally. He'd asked for that many times. The last time she'd been rather heated in her rejection. She heard his breathing quicken. He'd understood the offer and it appealed to him.

He cleared his throat. "I'll think about it." He paused again. "With the lights out, if you don't say anything, maybe." His voice trailed off.

Donna emotion roiled. Part of her was triumphant at her progress, part of her was appalled at what she'd just offered. Still, the biggest part was heartsick that her husband was so hurt by her that he had had to think about taking her anal virginity.

Donna made her last gambit. "Do you want to hurt me? If you do, I won't use any KY when you take my last virginity." She wanted to make it plain that she hadn't let Gil do what she'd denied him, but she also hoped for an immediate denial on any desire to punish her with sexual pain.

After the longest pause Steve said slowly, "No, no, I don't think hurting you would help me, and in a way that would make it too personal. No, I don't think that would work Dandy. Let's just forget about this whole thing."

Donna flushed at the use of the pet name, grabbed his hand and pulled it to her breast, "Look, I'm going to go into the guest room and get ready. Give me five minutes and you'll find me naked, bent over the foot of the bed. You can use me any way and every way you want and I won't make a sound."

She thought she felt him respond, although the laptop was on the covers, hiding any possible 'tenting.' Without another word, she stood and left the room. If nothing else, she was sure he wouldn't leave her kneeling like that for long. Even if he decided not to use her, he'd come tell her, and the sight of her in that position...

Donna made a quick stop in the guest bathroom. Using warm water, she soaped a washrag. Hitching up her long nightgown, she lowered her panties and washed her bottom, paying particular attention to her anus. She shivered in distaste at what she was about to do. She decided it would be easier on her to apply the KY in the dark and she took it with her into the guest bedroom.

She turned off the light and removed both her nightgown and her panties. Then, she knelt at the end of the bed. Bending over the end of the bed, her bottom facing the door, she inserted the tip of the applicator and squeezed the jelly into her anus. Putting a bit on her finger, she applied some to her anal opening. Then, determined to finish the distasteful task she pushed her finger inside to make it ready. She wiped her hands on the small towel she'd brought with her.

She noted the time on the small bedside clock and waited for Steve. As she knelt there, she became hyper-aware of just how open and available she was. She bit her lip as her breathing picked up. From out of nowhere the memory of the first time she felt this way overwhelmed her. Clutching that wonderful memory she thought, 'I hope this time doesn't hurt any more than that one did.'

It was their first time together, when she'd given Steve her virginity.

Donna was in her senior year in college. She was a member of the varsity field hockey team, and hockey hadn't left much time for dating. She'd met Steven almost by accident; he had finished his degree in Architecture and was supervising the construction of a building on campus. The building overlooked their practice field and she literally tripped over him one day after practice. She was hot and sweaty and had been surprised at how strong his hands were when he caught her to keep her from falling.

Flustered by his good looks, she said in a self-deprecating tone, "Ah the reflexes of a trained athlete, give me a few more years and I can walk and chew gum at the same time."

He hadn't laughed; he'd just stared into her soul with those eyes of his and said, "I've never see a more beautiful sight in my life. I'm not going to let you go until you agree to have coffee with me."

It had taken years to convince her that he actually had been overcome by her beauty. She'd never had a man react like that to her, and her normally formidable defenses crumbled. It took her over three months to get into his bed. He repeatedly refused to give her the fig leaf of seduction. He told her that he wouldn't take her to bed until she was prepared. He said she would have to go on the pill and then, give him a week's notice so he could be ready with a romantic evening. She'd been ready their first date, but it had taken her almost two months to work up the courage to get the pill and another four weeks after that to work up the courage to tell him.

It had been a magical night. Steve had taken her to the best restaurant in the area, then to intimate dance club. When they finally got to his apartment, he built a roaring fire in his fireplace and they sipped wine and ate snacks while soft music played on his stereo. She had been completely relaxed and not a bit nervous when he led her to his bedroom. There the scent of gardenias overwhelmed her. She had told him that gardenias were her favorite flower but they had been out of season. Somehow, he'd managed to buy a room full.

The bed had dark blue, high weave, silk sheets, and there were candles to provide a soft mellow glow. She'd felt self-conscious about taking off her clothes. Even though he'd touched every part of her body but he'd never seen all of it. The look of appreciation as she'd shed her underwear banished her inhibitions, and ignited a special joy that also cause her wet in readiness.

After helping her between the sheets and then he'd worshiped her body. Kissing and suckling every inch of her, until his mouth was between her legs. As soon his wonderfully flexible parted her nether lips she belonged to him. For the first time in her life, she'd been vocal during an orgasm.

Donna smiled at the memory, her scream caused lights to go on in all the surrounding apartment complexes. Yet, when she had spread her legs for the act, she'd felt more vulnerable, open and naked than she'd thought possible.

In her memory, that moment, when she was spread and available, seemed to have lasted hours. She had been so scared she'd trembled--not at the expected pain, she was a jock, she knew she could handle pain. The reason her whole bottom had contracted in fear was that she didn't know what giving her body to Steve would do to her, and to the 'them' that become so important to her. After an eternity of kissing his way up her body, he was fully over her. He'd kissed her deeply, then reached down and adjusted one leg at a time until that her knees were raised.

Feeling indescribable tension she felt her vaginal lip open, waiting for his first contact. It was such a strange feeling to give him that control over her body. To be forced to wait for him, to be the recipient not the instigator of action. She had also been embarrassed that she didn't know what she was supposed to do with her legs.

She'd felt such a jumble of emotions in the those few seconds. Always excelling at any physical activity, she'd felt intimidated by her ignorance, anxious to experience what was going to happen, but concerned that she not make some sort of gaff. Overlaying all was an burning desire to move to the next stage.

He'd felt her tense and he had smiled gently but hadn't entered her. Instead he'd let his organ slip up and down her more than lubricated sex. It had let her acclimate to the feel of it and to his motion. More importantly, it had put the most unendurable pressure on her clit. It had the quality of taking all her jumbled emotions and thoughts and focusing on that little nexus. Just when she thought she was going to have a second orgasm he guided her hand to it so that she could position him at her center.

Once there she had there, she'd been a bit disappointed as he'd eased himself into her. There wasn't any pain at all, just a wonderful unique fullness. Although she'd concentrated, prepared to minimize her response to the pain for Steve's benefit, she couldn't feel her hymen tearing. It puzzled her, for despite her athleticism, she'd been certain she still had one.

That thought occupied less than a second as she shifted to accommodate him, before she was overwhelmed by the feeling of physical and emotional oneness as she experienced his full length and girth. She remembered the pride that flickered when she knew she accepted all of him. She loved the feel as her vagina stretched to envelope him. Even after the birth of her children, she never felt she could ever accept anything larger, not by so much another millimeter. Using both hands and both legs she had clasp his body to her and wondered if somehow his skin was dissolved into hers.

Steve had remained motionless for the longest time, kissing her and letting her press herself up to him. When he began to move again, Donna hadn't thought she could stand the pleasure. After less than a minute, he'd stopped. For a second she worried that she'd done something wrong or that he was 'finished.' Then he had pulled up from her and his eyes looked deep into her soul. As his movements began again, Donna lost all sense of her body. As intimate as his entry into her, it paled to his possession of her soul through his warm, tender eyes.

Her body responded to his. She was aware of it meeting his thrusts, of her breath becoming ragged as she panted open mouthed. Yet, as intensely as she had wanted to know what making love would feel like, her most intense experience that first time had been giving herself to his eyes.

Then, without warning, but at exactly the right second, he broke eye contact and plunged his mouth to hers, his tongue melding with hers. She hadn't a clue that she'd been approaching an orgasm until it erupted just as his mouth touched hers. She screamed and almost bit his tongue. Her fingers clawed his back and she groaned as her abdominal muscles clenched and spasmed. For the first time she felt her vagina ripple and grasp an organ inside her. Her hands flew from his back to his bottom as she tried to pull more of him into her.

She'd broken their kiss as her lungs burned from lack of air. She'd groaned, every muscle in her body contracted and she arched her neck. She felt that part of Steve inside her twitch. A distant part of her mind wondered that she couldn't actually feel his release deep inside her. The rest of her mind exalted that she'd pleased him that she hadn't felt awkward or clumsy. She saw the pleasure of her in his face and her heart rejoiced that she'd been able to gain his release on her first try.

She had felt his muscles tense again and then relax into her. She treasured her 'lover,' rolling that term in her mind as she had tried to absorb all of him into her body.

An unwanted thought intruded in her cherished reverie. 'That was seventeen years ago, and I can feel it like it was an hour ago. I'm so turned on I can smell it. Yet, I don't remember what Gil felt like inside me at all!'

She was ecstatic that the slim ball had left no impression on her. Her memories of that horrible interlude were mostly of the pictures Gil had forced her to look at. 'I must have been more drunk that I thought.'

To force any remnant of Gil from her mind she began to relive some of the best and most memorable times making lover with Steve, or just raunchy fucking. She'd never attempted to rate their lovemaking and she couldn't now as she reminisced. It was only after she'd relived each of the first attempts to get her pregnant with their three children that she realized just how turned on she was.

Immediately, she realized that if she couldn't rate the best time, she could never remember when she had yearned this much for her husband. She looked at the clock and was appalled to see that over a half hour had passed. At first, she felt a flash of irritation, she wanted her man and he wasn't--she jumped to her feet mid-thought as a horrible fear squeezed her heart. His heart! Oh God what if ...

She dashed to their bedroom already envisioning Steve collapsed or even dead. Certain that the excitement, the prospect of taking her anal virginity, had brought on another massive heart attack, she was terrified!

As she flew through the door, she saw him still calmly sitting up in bed with his laptop. He looked up, saw her naked and growled, "Get some clothes on before you come in here, you damn slut!"

Donna stopped so fast her feet slipped on the hardwood floor. She had to grab the doorframe to keep her balance. As the harsh words penetrated, one hand flew to her mouth to cover her gasp, the other extended as if to block out what he'd said. Then blushing furiously she mumbled, "I was afraid you'd had another attack," and fled almost as fast as she'd rushed in.

When she got back to her room, she collapsed on the floor in big gasping sobs. That he'd just left her kneeling, waiting for him, combined with his tone had driven home, as nothing else could, that he didn't want her. In her heart of hearts, she'd never believed that if she offered anal sex; her life-mate, her lover, the father of her children, the man who had shared her bed for over sixteen years, and who had wanted it for all that time, would turn it down. It had been her final ace. The trump card she had subconsciously been certain would bring Steve back to her bed.

That he didn't want her, even that way hurt, hurt more than anything to this point had. It hurt more than she had thought anything could hurt. It hurt a thousand times more than childbirth, because at the end of was a new death, not a new life. But, her tears weren't for her pain. Her tears were because she now fully understood, at a level she'd never achieved, just how hurt Steve was. As bad as her own pain was, she would have died if she thought she could help relieve even a portion of his pain. How could she have missed how much he'd been suffering the last three weeks?

Donna wasn't a very religious person. She only went to church around Christmas, generally for one of the special music services. In that, she followed the traditions of her parents. She never remembered praying in her whole life.

Getting control of her sobbing, she rose up on her hands and knees and crawled to the end of the bed. She assumed almost the same position that she'd been in before, but now her hands clasped together as she looked up at the ceiling.

With tears running down her cheeks she prayed. She didn't pray for herself, she prayed that God would somehow comfort Steve. She prayed for some idea of how she could help him hurt less.

In her mind, she heard her 'little voice' ask, "Would you really do anything to make him feel better, or is this just more of the same?"

She did a searching self-examination and decided that she was sincere. Her little voice asked again, "Would you divorce him, and walk out with nothing but the clothes on your back and a pair of shoes? Give sole custody of the children, move completely out of their lives? Would you let them all think of you as someone who had died?"

"Oh God!" she murmured, "Please not that!" But the question swirled around and around in her head. "Do you love him enough to absolutely put him and his needs first with no thought of what you need or want?"

She never knew how long she knelt there. She never told anyone that she'd prayed. She certainly never told anyone that after interminable agony, she'd whispered "Yes, Oh God help me, Yes, if that's what it take even that."

Whether it came from God or self-understanding, Donna felt a certain peace as she put on her nightgown and crawled into her lonesome bed. She was almost asleep when Steve turned on the light. She sat up, and waited expectantly.

"Donna, I need to apologize for what I called you, I know you weren't trying anything when you came in like that. I was upset with myself for not coming in here earlier and telling you that I wasn't going to --- do anything. I couldn't do it. It would be like cheating on my marriage if I really did pretend you were someone else. I'm not going to do that. Cheat. When the time comes, I want to be able to tell the kids that I never broke my vows. I knew I wasn't coming here when I heard you cleaning up in the bathroom. I should have come and said something, but then I was afraid that if I saw you bent over like that --- I'm sorry, I thought I might get sick at my stomach again."

He turned to leave and Donna said, "Steve, I need to apologize too. I didn't understand. I WAS trying to lure you earlier, and that was wrong. I want you more than I ever have. I'm not sorry that I want you I never will be. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's my fault that you don't feel the same way. In all the years I've known you, you've never called me a name. I've earned that one, I just want you to know that when I came running back, I was scared to death for your heart. I wasn't trying to entice you then. If I ever forget and try to manipulate you again, you have my permission to remind me and I promise I'll stop. I love you Steve, I won't ever try to trick you again.

Steve gave her a hard look, then with a quick nod, turned, and closed the door behind him.

Donna took a deep breath, and once again, she whispered, "Yes God, if that's what it takes even that."

Friday/

Donna had achieved a certain peace with her decision last night. She still got up early to put her makeup on and have her hair fixed before emerging from the guest suite. She fixed breakfast for everyone. Then, after getting the children off for school and making sure they had what they needed for their weekend with her parents, she'd cleaned the kitchen and started on the rest of the house while she waited for Steve to emerge and start "the Talk."

He'd gone into his home office right after breakfast and even before all this started Donna only disturbed him there if it was a minor emergency. As lunchtime approached, Donna knocked gently on the door and said, "Would you like me to plan on lunch before we get started?"

"No, I'm not hungry and I figure that's only going to get worse, you might as well come on in, I'm about done anyway."

Entering the room Donna understood what it felt like to be called into the principal's office. Steve's desk faced a window overlooking their pool, with a nice view of their backyard. He had swiveled his chair around so that he had his back to the desk and faced the door.

Steve's office was a wonderful dichotomy of antique furniture and the latest computer and communication equipment. It had everything that a professional might want or need in an office--except an extra chair. Normally Donna hated to talk to Steve in his office; it had always made her feel like a supplicant. She was vaguely amused that as a supplicant the lack of a chair didn't bother her.

Steve's piercing eyes touched her core and she stood straight as he examined her. Finally, his eyes narrowed and he uttered the one word that had hung over them like the sword of Damocles for the last three weeks. "Why?"

Donna squared her shoulders, looked back at him, "You don't know how hard this is for me. It's not that I don't want to explain, it's that I don't want what I say to even hint that I'm trying to make any sort excuse. I've had to spend a lot of time in self-examination. I needed to find out why I did what I did. It is the only way I can make certain that it never happens again. There are reasons, but there are no excuses for what I did, I know the difference. I finally decided the best way to answer is to lay them out one at a time and at the same time tell you what I'm going to do to make sure that particular reason will never exist again. All I ask is that you let me finish. If you want to take my head off after I say how I'm going to fix it, don't hesitate, just remember that I'm not trying to justify what I did."

She paused and studied Steve. He was a perfect image of a conflicted man. She could see his pain, but she also saw what she had yearned to see, he was hopeful. He wanted her somehow to make it better. He hadn't given up on her yet. Paradoxically it made her more, not less nervous. There was so much riding on this weekend.

Looking straight into Steve's eyes, trying to convey that she was being as honest as she could be, she said, "I want to start with what I think are the least important reasons and work up."

Steve nodded and Donna continued, "I was horny, it was our regular play night and I was pissed that you couldn't take me to the party." She could see Steve's face cloud up but before he could explode she continued, "Steve, that's just a fact and it's a fact that I didn't cheat every time I was horny, mad at you, and you weren't available. I just mention ..."

Anger soaking each word Steve growled, "And how the hell am I supposed to know that? You got caught this time, but how am I supposed to believe that you haven't cheated on me a million times?"

Donna had known this was coming and had though about it for a long time. "You know because you have my word, and I've never lied to you. I didn't lie to you about Gil either. I've destroyed your trust in my behavior, but by my actions you also know that I didn't ..."

Steve shouted, "You didn't say anything about what you'd done until he tried to blackmail you, that's not telling the truth!"

Still, staring him straight in the eye but utterly calm Donna said, "Steve, you know by what I did that I had no intention of ever cheating with Gil again. If I had, he wouldn't have tried to blackmail me. As to why I didn't come right back and tell you, that would have been cruel. Gil was your best friend. I had made a horrible mistake. If you think back, you'll remember how many times you asked me what was wrong after the party and before I told you. You saw me crying and you tried several times to get me to tell you what was wrong. You've never seen me like that before in our marriage when I wouldn't talk to you about it. If you'd asked I would have told the truth, but even though I didn't understand just how much my cheating would hurt you, of course I knew it would. I saw it as my duty to suffer in silence and not burden you with my guilt. All the advice columnists, even Dr. Laura says that if it's a one time thing with no chance of repeating that you just have to live with your guilt."

Donna waited in silence as she watched Steve absorb her last statement. As seconds dragged into minutes, she was certain that he was thinking back to the way she'd acted not just those few days, but over their whole marriage. Finally, she could see some of the anger drain from Steve. When he spoke his voice was calm. "I didn't really believe that you'd cheated on me before, but does that make a difference? You've killed my trust and there's this huge hole in my life."

Donna took a deep breath; she was almost overwhelmed with the need to take Steve in her arms and try to comfort him. Instead, she said, "If wishes were horses then beggars would drive BMWs. I haven't said this, I think you know how sorry I am, and I will do absolutely anything to try to make your life easier. I can't just say I'm sorry, I have to be willing to sacrifice anything to fill that hole for you ..."

Steve face turned red and he snapped, "A little anal sex won't do a damn thing!"

Still standing straight Donna said calmly, "I know that, and my offer isn't just sexual. It was a sexual act that caused the hurt, but I do understand that our problems are much bigger than sex. I've apologized about the other night, I wasn't fair, but I will not apologize about wanting you. I have Eve's curse in the worst way and that's one of the pains I'm having to deal with."

Steve blinked several times, clearly so confused that his anger was momentarily forgotten. Donna smiled, "I started reading the Bible, don't ask why, it's just something I wanted to do and this morning I read that Eve's punishment for the whole apple thing was that childbirth was going to hurt like hell, which should have been enough, but even knowing how much it hurt her she was still going to 'desire her husband.'"

Donna saw Steve's incredulity and quickly added, "No, I haven't turned into some sort of fundamentalist, but I need to change who I was. That was the next reason and I'll tell you about how I'm going to fix them together. You see, one of the reasons I failed you was that I didn't think it was possible for me to cheat. I had never had the slightest desire for anyone other than you. I loved that you were my 'only' and frankly I took some pride in the fact that I 'got it right' with my first and only man. They say pride goes before the fall and that was certainly true in my case. Anyway, my solution to those 'reasons' are the same. I am going to try to be a more spiritual person, but I'm also going to make damn sure that I'm never alone with another man when I'm feeling horny."

Donna paused and made sure that Steve maintained eye contact before she continued, "That's a promise, and I'll keep it no matter what you do, you can not release me from that promise. That will be until the day I die." She paused until Steve nodded that he understood that she meant that even if he divorced her.

Donna smiled, she'd made an impression with her last statement, and she saw a bit more anger leaching out of Steve. "Next is that I was drunk. I knew I needed to sober up to drive, that's why I went outside, and you know that means I was pretty far gone. Please believe me; I know that is no excuse. No one drugged me or urged drinks on me. I'm totally responsible for every one of them I took. I also know that when I get smashed, I get very horny. I had no business drinking like that when you weren't there. I will never have even a wine at dinner if you aren't with me."

Steve was silent but when she didn't continue he finally said, "Isn't that a little extreme, I mean if you're out with your girlfriends ..."

For the first time, Donna let some of her self-disgust show. "Never again! Not for the rest of my life!" Seeing his expression, she smiled. "Well, you'll just have to come around so I can have some of my favorite wine every now and then." Then she turned serious. "Look, I've destroyed your trust in me, but I've destroyed my trust in myself too."

Steve looked thoughtful then nodded for her to continue, "Then the biggie, and I don't want this to sound like an excuse either, but I trusted Gil. I felt safer getting a little looped around him than I would any of my girlfriends." She saw surprise on his face, nodded to confirm what she was saying, and then continued, "I haven't said any of the stuff about needed to feel younger. I think that's all crap. I enjoyed flirting with Gil, but you know I'm not a flirt, I can't think of anyone else I do flirt with ... did flirt with. Gil was your best friend and I thought he was mine. This is going to sound so lame, but even when he kissed me, I wasn't worried. My first thought, I think my last thought was something like a few harmless kisses would make me so hot when I got home, I'd rape you. I knew I was vulnerable, but I knew Gil wasn't drunk and I expected him to protect me like I know you would have protected his wife, Nancy."

Donna felt a wave of pain wash over her and tears began to try to form. She broke eye contact and looked at the floor, "Steve, I did try to push him away maybe three times and I was lost. I never decided to do it, it's like my mind shut down. I know I get that way with you. I love getting that way with you, so turned on that I lose control. You've seen the pictures, I can't pretend I didn't enjoy what happened, but those were all at the start, in anticipation. When it got going, it wasn't good. He wasn't good at all.

"When sanity returned and I was scampering to get my clothes back, aside from the shame, all I could think about was how disappointed I was that I was going to miss making love to you when I got home.

"I knew I couldn't be with you after I'd been with him, and I felt like I'd traded a diamond for fool's gold. I still feel dirty, I gave away something very clean at that party and like my virginity, I can't get it back. I'm not the same person sexually and I understand why you aren't attracted to me. I hope ... I will change that, but while I'll do my best to make it up to you, I will not resent how you feel about me. EVER!"

Donna fought hard to keep that first tear from falling; this wasn't the time for self-pity or Steve's sympathy. She looked up at him and said fiercely, "I don't want you to ever wonder if he was as good as you. Please Steve if you don't believe anything else, believe that. How good or bad he was didn't have anything to do with my decision never to be in that situation again, but it's very important to me that you believe that dissatisfaction with my sex life was NEVER one of the reasons that this happened!"

Donna was breathing hard, and she wasn't sure if it was anger or fear. She'd said her piece and now she was studying Steve's face trying to figure out how he was responding. He seemed to be in deep thought and it was only with the greatest of exertion of willpower that Donna held her tongue. She'd always heard the expression "heart was in her throat" but she this time she felt she feel every beat of her heart as she waited for him to speak.

Finally, he looked at her, his eyes boring into her soul just as they had the first time they'd made love. "Donna, I don't know. I've spent these last three weeks trying not to make a decision. My every instinct is to either divorce you or make your life a living hell. I want to hurt you the way you've hurt me, but I can't. I find I do love you. As much as I hate what you've done, I love you. That doesn't mean I have to live with you or that I can't find a way to stop loving you. Still, I have to admit that the idea of you somehow making it up to me has a lot of appeal. There's nothing you can do sexually that will make this 'all better,' but there may be something else. I'm going to think about it. If I can, it's going to cost you."

Donna nodded. "It won't be as hard as what I'm prepared to do." Her voice was flat and so certain that she saw Steve pick up on it.

"Just what are you prepared to do, Donna?" There was suspicion in his voice.

Donna felt her jaw clench, "It's not that I don't want to give you any ideas, but you'll think less of me if you know. Please don't ever ask ..."

Steve's face hardened, "I am asking, if I'm ever going to learn to trust you, there can't be secrets."

Donna sighed deeply, "I would agree to "die" to you and the kids. You could divorce me secretly and we could fake my death for the kids so they wouldn't think I'd abandoned them. Then I would never have any contact with you or them for as long as I live. That would allow you to find someone new and she could replace me in their hearts. I've read that the death of a parent is much easier on kids than divorce and the aftermath. I haven't done the forsaking all others very well, but your happiness is more important to me than even my children." She dropped her head and said, "Steve you don't know how many times I've wished that instead of going outside to sober up, which allowed that son of a bitch to ... Well I wish with all my heart I had had a fatal crash on the way home instead. It would have been less painful for everyone." Donna had tried but she couldn't stop her chin from quivering and as the silence stretched, she couldn't control the tears. She turned away, and when she still couldn't control them, she left. It was the God's honest truth and she didn't want any sympathy for how she felt.

It took several minutes to get herself back under control in the kitchen, but then she began to bustle around trying to get lunch started. As she began to prepare a heart healthy lunch, she thought, 'You knew this was going to be hard, your tears aren't making it any easier for him, so shut off the water works.'

Aloud she mumbled too herself, "I'd be a lot easier to not cry if he hadn't made me confess what a horrible mother I am too. Crazy too, 'fake funeral!' I can't believe I said something that harebrained. Oh God I do wish I'd died."

She felt Steve's strong arms around her restraining her, not holding her just restraining her, "I'm not a monster, I would never agree to something like that. Our kids love you, and ..." his voice choked up.

Feeling his arms around her thrilled her. She began trembling, but managed to get herself under control. Donna turned in her husband's arms so she could look up at his face, "Steve, when I decided I would do anything, I had to think about the worst thing I could imagine. That's it, not just leaving our kids but also trying to get them to replace me. I don't want to hurt my kids, but if I have to choose who to hurt, I have to choose not to hurt you."

Steve pulled her to him, not in a sexual embrace, but a comforting one. "No Donna, I could never let you do anything like that. The idea is to limit pain, not multiply it. I'm going to need to do some deep thinking for a while. I'm not hungry, why don't you just order us a pizza, but let me stew alone until I have some answers?"

Donna was torn, she hated the idea of letting him eat something as unhealthy as pizza, but she was elated about the way his thinking seemed to be going. This wasn't the time to pick a fight about food. She looked at the ultra healthy if unsatisfying lunch she was starting and said, "Sure, I'll order a mushroom pizza for both of us."

As Steve was walking away he answered, "That'll be fine as long as my half has sausage pepperoni and double cheese on it. You said you wanted to make me happy...."

Donna glared at his back, turned, and called in a Mushroom pizza light on the cheese. When she hung up the phone she muttered, "I'm going to make you happy, if it kills me, and you'll be alive for me to do it, buster." This was a fight she wouldn't back down from. Curiously that made her feel better about ordering the pizza.

Steve:

Steve didn't want Donna to see just how shook up he was by her attitude. When she said she wished she'd tried to drive home drunk and died, he had almost snapped "Me too!" That thought had horrified him. Would he really have rather Donna had wrapped herself around a tree than fucked Gil? It hurt him where he lived that the question wasn't rhetorical.

It had taken him just long enough to answer it that he hadn't noticed Donna leaving the room. Then another thought had occurred to him. What he would have done if Donna or Gil had called and told him how drunk she was. He knew that when Donna had one drink too many she shed most of her inhibitions. It was something she'd always been careful about. Even when they were dating, she'd never let herself go until she didn't have to worry about trusting him not to take advantage of her.

Steve grinned and snorted, some of their best sex, and most of their experimentation had been when she was a bit wasted.

The grin faded and Steve was aware of how his face hardened. Gil knew about Donna's weakness too, although he'd never seen it, Steve had discussed it with him. Had Gill called, he would have trusted Gil completely, just as Donna had.

That didn't excuse her, but it gave him another choice. Upon whom did he want to focus his revenge? His anger? Donna might have been swept up by circumstances, but Gil had been cold eyed and calculating in what he'd done. Donna had said no one pushed a drink on her. But based on what Gil had turned out to be, a whoremonger with a string of corporate whores, he probably did encourage her to take one too many. That son of a bitch tried to turn his wife into a whore, and an unpaid whore at that!

Even in his anger he had to acknowledge that Donna had never lied to him. He also knew that if he had been asked a hypothetical question he would have said not to reveal a one-time slip. What Donna did was devastating, but was it fatal? It wasn't an affair, and it wasn't something she had planned. She hadn't gone to a motel or even walked to a bedroom or even a couch. She certainly proved that she never intended to let it continue. How much difference did those things make?

Steve had been doing a lot of thinking in the last three weeks, most of it about what life was going to be like after he divorced Donna. Yesterday he'd visited with one of his 'old man' friends when Donna had thought he was at work. The man had spent much of the time talking about forgiveness. He said there were really two different kinds of forgiveness. The first was a willingness to forgo vengeance, but not to try to repair the relationship. The man had said that giving this type of forgiveness was just plain good mental health. He had asked, "How much does your hatred hurt the other person and how much does it hurt you? What will your vengeance cost you? Will it ever be enough? Is there anything you can do to keep the hate from eating you up except to release it?"

He had continued that this type of forgiveness was what allowed you to stop letting what someone had done to you to control your life. It did not mean that you had to spare the other the consequences of what they'd done. "You don't have like them or even wish them well. The important thing is that you can't forget about them until you decided to forgive them."

"Forgiveness is a decision not an emotion." He had said that Steve needed to think about finding a way to forgive Donna no matter what else he did. Donna would always be the mother of his children and they would never be able completely separate as long as the children lived.

He'd gone on to say the other kind of forgiveness, he called it full forgiveness, was much harder. It involved trying to re-establish the relationship as it had been. "The thing is though that that full forgiveness is only possible if the other party repents and also works to repair what they've done. Thank God that's so rare that you seldom have to worry about it."

He'd put a fatherly hand on Steve and said, "Let me tell you a true story. This isn't just about wives and husbands you know. I had to forgive my only son a few years ago. He got messed up with the wrong girl in college, he stole a lot of money from me and they disappeared for almost a year. I can't tell you how close I came to siccing the cops on him. Then he showed up, said he was in trouble, and needed my help. The girl had been pregnant but now he didn't think it was his. DNA tests cost a small fortune back then and he wanted to borrow the money.

"I wanted to tell him that 'he'd made his bed now he had to sleep in it' so bad I could just taste how good words were going to feel. The only thing that stopped me was that it might have been my first grandchild and I had to know. I told him that, and paid for the test. It wasn't his, and he disappeared again. I had to spend a lot of time getting over my 'mad' with him, wanting to get even for what he'd done. It was killing me, until I just decided to forgive and forget him. I wouldn't loan him money and I didn't care if I ever saw him again, but it gave me peace. It made a world of difference, I could finally sleep nights and I stopped fighting with my wife.

"Then I began getting checks in the mail from him. No return address, just notes saying he was very sorry and that he'd pay me back no matter what. Well, at the rate he was paying, it looked like he'd still be paying when my ghost reached the century mark. Then it struck me, the kid wasn't just 'sorry,' he was trying to make things right and I had to decide if I wanted a relationship or not. I decided I did and I tracked him through his bank. I helped get him back in school and you know how close we are now. Working with him, I was able to give him full forgiveness. He's almost running my company, and he is the reason I can take it easy these days and play with my grandkids. I've gained more than I ever could by any sort of revenge that I might have been able to cook up."

That talk had been more than he'd been able to digest. Steve loved his kids and he knew what generally happened in a divorce with the kids and later the grandkids. Dear old dad ended up sucking hind tit. Just thinking about it had made him mad.

It was so unfair. What he really wanted was his old life back and Donna had made that impossible. Or had she?

If he were going out on the meat market looking for a replacement, would he consider a woman with Donna's history? He'd probably consider himself lucky to find one with that few miles on her. What about Donna, despite her pledge, did he believe, for even a second, that Donna couldn't find a good man to replace him? A good man who would trust her? Hell, Steve knew a dozen men that would pant and paw the ground to forgive her and make her theirs.

Even before his friend's story, he knew he'd have to do something to release his anger, and forgiveness did seem the easiest way. 'Is forgiveness actually a choice?' He nodded his head. 'Is it a choice I can make?'

He remembered what he'd read in a book about someone who had been in the Nazi concentration camps. He thought it was Corrie Ten Boom. She said that the Nazis had taken all her choices away. All except how she chose to respond to them. He knew that it was Corrie Ten Boom who had said, "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart."

Steve didn't know the temperature of his heart, but he did believe that he didn't have to rely on his feelings and emotions. He believed that he had ability to choose how he was going to respond to Donna, and if he forgave her, he would treat it just like he had the decision to stop smoking. Every time he'd been tempted to light up, he'd just reminded himself "I don't smoke anymore."

Was it as easy and as hard as that? Then there was the question what kind of forgiveness. Why was he obliged to give her the full kind of forgiveness if she repented?

It was clear from this morning that Donna was trying to repent. If Donna was repenting and was prepared to sacrifice to make him better, was that worth more to him than trying to start over with someone new?

He thought for a long time, hours and hours. Then he thought again for a very long time.

Then --- he decided.

He called Donna to join him as he was walked into the den. He deliberately didn't sit on the sofa where she might cuddle up to him. Instead, he chose his recliner, the "daddy chair" next to the remote. Donna came in looking very apprehensive, "Sit down Donna, I've made some decisions."

She sat, on the very edge of the sofa, her hands clasped in her lap, her eye beseeching him. He tried to give her a smile but thought it was probably more of a grimace. "Gil is going to jail for a very long time, but that isn't enough for me. I am going to hit Gil's company with the biggest lawsuit in this state's history. They profited from what Gil did with those other women just like Gil benefited. He seduced you on their property, at their party and recorded it in their premises. He intended to make money for his company by using you. They are going to pay through the nose for that!"

Steve sighed, and then continued, "I had asked Mike if he could 'lose' the pictures and the tape of you two. He promised that no one would ever see them, but he said he couldn't destroy evidence. I glad that's the case now, because I'm going to have to use that evidence."

"If I sue, that tape will become pubic record. Your friends and even the kids can see it if they want to, I expect you to testify ..."

Donna left the sofa and knelt by her husband's chair, she looked up at him and said, "Steve, I'm not that brave, the only way I can do that is if you hold my hand. I want you to do it, Steve! I want you to get whatever you can to make you feel better. I'm not saying I won't do what you want, but I can't stay here afterwards, knowing that every man I meet might have seen me rutting like a cheap porn slut. If you leave me, I'll have to leave this town. I won't be strong enough to face it alone. I'll do anything you ask, but unless you stand by me, I won't be able to live here after that comes out.

Steve was quiet for a long time, and then stood, bent down raised her up and took her into his arms. "I had been thinking about selling my company and moving across the country with the kids, that would shield them from the ugliness, but I couldn't take them from you. I guess the only solution is to take you with us.

He held her out from him and said, "Donna, I don't know if we can make it. I love holding you like this, but then I see those images in my mind and ..."

Donna interrupted, "And you get furious with me. Why shouldn't you? Look, we might need professional help, charge the bastards for that too, and if mother's articles are true it's going to take a lot of time. It won't be a straight line from bad to good either. There will be hills and twisting valleys along the way. There will be other issues that grow out of this mess. One is that I think I'm going to look for a church. It will probably be months before you're comfortable having me in your bed. I will always want you to accept me faster than you will be capable of doing. I'm going to have to work hard not to resent it when you don't trust me. One thing I promise is that I'll never say anything like 'why don't you just get over it?' Steve, if you'll agree to let me work to make you whole again, I promise that will be the purpose of my life.

Steve searched her eyes, as if he were trying to read her mind. He couldn't miss her sincerity or her determination. Donna was a strong woman, but he didn't know if she was strong enough to do what she intended. He did know she was going to try. Finally, he said, "That's a mighty high price for one slip isn't it?"

Donna snuggled into his chest. "My darling husband, when you slip, you can expect a very had fall. You have to expect things to get broken, unless there is someone there to catch you, sometimes twice.

Epilogue:

Donna and Steve watched as Steve Jr. stood in his cap and gown and delivered the valedictorian address at his high school graduation. Steve had his arm around her and ever so often, he would pat her affectionately. It had been a very hard six years. It had been almost three months before Steve had resumed sexual relations and it had been over a year before sex was 'good.' One bonus was that she learned she enjoyed anal sex, when she was properly prepared for it.

The move across the country to a small town had also been very hard. However, it had let them have a fresh start. The kids had hated it at first, but had learned to love it. Because Gil's company settled rather than go to court, a wise decision with all the publicity that Gil's trial and 30-year sentence produced, the tape was never made public. The seven-figure settlement and the sale of his construction business had allowed Steve to start over in a bigger and better way.

After years of marriage counseling, Donna believed their marriage was in good shape. She had lived her new rules and had never resented them. Steve and his happiness remained Donna's top priority and if she hadn't yet managed to fill all of the hole she'd created, she had found that she derived great satisfaction working on new ways to make him happier. The reason that she had never felt any resentment for some of the attitudes, moods and rules that Steve had forced on her was that she never lost sight of her admiration of him, and what he'd sacrificed to keep her.

It also made it easier that they could fight over the things they'd always fought over. As soon as Donna moved back into their bedroom, the laptop was once again banished. Steve threw seven kinds of fits over the change in their menu, but Donna had stood her ground. The real difference from before 'the slip,' was that when Donna decided to stand her ground she was always convinced it was what was best for Steve and their marriage.

Donna patted Steve's leg as Steve Jr. finished. It hadn't been a long speech, just thirteen minutes. Her whole 'affair' from the time Gil had turned on the cameras until she begun to get dressed lasted four full minute less than her son's address. Yet those few minutes had turned her whole world upside down and almost destroyed it. "I so proud of our son, honey, almost as proud as I am of you. I love you Steve."

Steve was watching his son, and it was impossible to not see his contentment, "I love you too honey, you've made me the happiest man on the planet. I don't see how life could get any better."

Donna swallowed the lump in her throat and thought, 'But it will, I'll make certain of that! I promise!'